


Faded Spirits

by xxMad_Donaxx



Category: Dragon Age
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post Game, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-25
Updated: 2013-04-03
Packaged: 2017-11-10 16:42:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 28
Words: 41,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/468457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxMad_Donaxx/pseuds/xxMad_Donaxx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Anders stops to heal a child during their flight from Kirkwall he's captured by Templars. After being abused and raped they perform the Rite of Tranquility on him but it didn't work the way they expected it to. Instead of his connection to the Fade, the Rite burned out Justice. Hawke and Fenris sneak in and take him back and the healing process begins. </p><p>Kmeme prompt naturally.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I'm going to be brave. This is by far the darkest thing i've attempted and am a little nervous de-anoning. I would also like to apologize profusely to my 'Our Child' OP. Life has been handing me lemons lately and i'm attempting to make lemonade. Sweet and Fluffy just hasn't been in the cards. =/
> 
> Also Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts.

Anders was frightened…but that was all wrong. There were other things he felt, sadness, horror, grief but they were wrong too. He lay on his side on the bed in the small cell he’d been put in. It hurt to lie down but it hurt worse to sit. 

Knight-Captain Cullen had let them go after Meredith became another ugly statue in the Gallows courtyard. The Chantry was a smoldering ruin along with a good part of Hightown, Lowtown had burned as well but they had let Garrett and everyone with him leave. This also included Anders of course. Anders had fallen behind though, stopped to use the very last of his mana to heal a child. He had promised to catch up but the Templars had caught up to him first.

With no mana left and all the lyrium potions he had used up in the battle with Meredith, Anders hadn’t stood a chance. Even with Justice he was hopelessly overwhelmed but he fought anyway and had been brutally beaten then taken back to the Gallows. Thrown in a solitary cell, small and dark, he’d been beaten and raped repeatedly. How long had this gone on? Anders didn’t know for certain but probably only long enough to prepare the Rite. It had been long enough that he couldn’t sit and his throat felt raw.

He remembered watching the brand getting closer and then closing his eyes. He remembered their hard gauntlets digging into his arms, holding him up because he couldn’t stand on his own. He hadn’t screamed then or before when they violated him, he refused to give them that satisfaction.

Anders reached up and touched the sun that had been burned onto his forehead and winced. He vaguely remembered being stripped and washed by other Tranquil. His open wounds cared for and his broken leg set and splinted. The ribs that they had broken wrapped before being dressed in one of their drab robes.

Now he lay in one of their little cells, Tranquil but not…because he was frightened. The Rite had burned out a part of him but not his magic…not his emotions. He grieved for the spirit that had been burned out instead. The righteous spirit of Justice that had been turned into the merciless spirit of Vengeance half of his being since their joining.

He felt empty, alone and guilty. Guilty that he could still feel at all, that his magic was still there, that he lived and the spirit hadn’t and all the innocents that had died that night. Their blood was on his hands. A tear ran down his cheek from the eye that wasn’t swollen shut. His horrified grief was too little too late. They were dead and he had killed them.

So he grieved but he was also frightened. How much more would happen to him when they discovered their mistake. It was only a matter of time before they discovered his connection to the Fade was intact.

The door rattled and Anders whimpered quietly before he could stop himself. Tranquil weren’t supposed to be scared…but he was. Anders tried to scoot closer to the wall and curled himself as tight as he could manage. Pain shot through him but he managed to stay silent this time. The lock on his door let go with a click and Anders closed the eye he could still see though. The door squealed open and he whimpered again.

“Maker’s Breath…” a voice whispered in horrified shock, a familiar voice. He heard booted footsteps hurry across the small space. There was a quiet but fierce muttering from the doorway in a language he knew but didn’t understand and the quieter footsteps of bare feet on the stone floor, also crossing the room. “No,” the first voice whispered from above him.

Anders dared to open his good eye and Garrett Hawke was kneeling beside the bed. His face a mask of sadness and grief, his hand hovered just above the sun that now scarred his forehead. Fenris stood behind him and Anders could see that he grieved as well but he was also furious. 

Neither of them had understood but they had spared him. Garrett, a man with a heart full of love and endless patience had said, “I might have understood if you’d only told me.” Anders didn’t understand now. Fenris, shocked and hurt had just asked “Why?” “The world needs to see…,” he’d said, but now he didn’t see.

The two men he loved, one kneeling and one standing but both grieving. They saw the sun but didn’t know that it hadn’t worked right. Garrett could never do it, his heart was too tender from everything else Kirkwall had taken from him. But Fenris, it would hurt Fenris but he would end Anders’ misery.

It had taken Garrett Hawke years to get them to admit their attraction. He had been patient and helped them to see past their prejudices and hate. Anders now loved the broody elf as much as he loved Garrett. Fenris knelt beside Garrett who had begun threading his fingers through Anders’ loose hair.

“Tranquil,” Fenris said his voice a strange mixture of sad and angry.

His brands flared to life and Anders moved his arms. His clawed gauntlets rested over Anders’ heart for a moment but as his hand sunk down into his chest Anders felt relief. They would have their justice after all. Anders closed his eye and another tear slipped free. Garrett would still have Fenris and he was strong willed. He would be all right…eventually.

“Stop!” Garrett whispered fiercely.

Anders whimpered again, the pain from Fenris’ hand half in his chest was no worse than the rest but he had stopped. He gripped the elf’s arm and tried to urge him on but Fenris may as well have been made from stone. Garrett gently brushed the tear away.

“Do Tranquil cry?” Garrett asked and the hope in his voice was heart breaking.

“I don’t know,” Fenris said quietly. His hand pulled out of Anders’ chest quickly and the light from his brands died. Anders tried to speak, tried to tell them. The innocents needed justice. Please kill me, for their sake and not my own. But the only sound that escaped his throat was a strangled croak. He pulled weakly at Fenris’ arm and tried again.

“Can you carry him?” Garrett asked.

“Yes,” Fenris said. He gently removed Anders’ hand and stood.

Garrett stood and moved silently to the door way, pulling an arrow from his quiver. Anders groaned in pain as he was lifted. With his head resting on Fenris’ arm he gripped the chest piece of Fenris’ armor and held his other arm across his broken ribs. Fenris pulled him close with his arms around his shoulders and under his knees. Anders’ broken leg stuck out stiffly and Fenris followed Garrett. He closed his eye and more tears rolled down his cheek.


	2. Chapter 2

Fenris glanced down at Anders. There was a steady stream of tears flowing down his cheek but it was hard to tell just why. Judging from the state of his face, the splinted leg and the way he held his side, Fenris’ every step probably brought him pain. He glanced down once more, and grew angry all over again. His left eye was swollen shut, the skin an angry purple color, bottom lip split and swollen. 

It was the hoarse croak that had emerged when Anders tried to talk that made him really furious. Fenris had witnessed many things as bodyguard to Danarius and he was pretty sure that the Templars had done more than just beat him. He took a deep breath to calm himself. His anger would do the mage no good right now.

Mage…he wondered if that title was still appropriate. The sun on his forehead, the bright red color of a deep burn, suggested not. But the tears that still leaked from his right eye made him wonder. It was the way Anders had pulled on his arm when Hawke had told him to stop. There was no time to figure out for sure one way or the other now if Anders was truly Tranquil or not. He didn’t know how it might be possible but there was doubt.

Hawke paused at a junction and Fenris stopped behind him. He readjusted his grip and Anders moaned softly again. Fenris looked down and found his amber colored eye looking back up at him and Fenris tried to apologize without saying anything. The last thing he wanted was to cause more pain but they had to keep moving.

He watched as Hawke lifted his bow and drew back the string. It snapped back into place as he let go and the arrow flew towards his target. Hawke moved forward, pausing only to pull his arrow from the fallen Templar, and Fenris followed. Back the way they’d come, through the maze of corridors to the basement and the entrance Anders had shown Hawke three or four years ago.

Fenris had still hated him then but he’d cared a great deal for Hawke. His love and patience had brought them all together, Grey Warden abomination, former Tevinter slave and a simple farmer from Ferelden. They were an unlikely trio but Fenris now cared for the man he held as much as the man he followed. Four years ago he wouldn’t have cared about the sun that had been branded onto his forehead. Now he hated it. If Anders truly had been made Tranquil, his greatest fear, Fenris would end his life. Until they were sure though, he stepped carefully and tried not to jar the mage too much.

*

Garrett Hawke looked back at them briefly before descending the stairs that led to the caverns where Ser Alrik had met his end. One of his oldest fears, Tranquility, had finally come to pass. There was hope though, he couldn’t imagine how but there was a possibility. He clung to this hope like a drowning man would cling to driftwood.

He’d been smitten the first time he had seen Anders, Fenris too. The way they had fought was troublesome but Garrett just couldn’t choose so he helped them see their attraction to each other. He knew the sun bothered Fenris as much as it bothered him but Fenris was angry while Garrett despaired. Darkspawn had taken Carver the circle had taken Bethany a mad man had taken his mother and seeing Fenris’ hand inside Anders chest had hurt.

Garrett berated himself for leaving the insistent healer. “I’ll catch up. This will only take a moment,” he’d said. He should have stayed with him but Anders had insisted that they go on. One moment had turned into too many and Fenris had gone back but it was too late. Garrett had sent the others on and had gone to Darktown with Fenris and Thunder, his Mabari.

They had tried to be quick but getting to Darktown had taken far too long and Anders may have paid the ultimate price. He shook his head, there was hope. They had left Thunder in the caverns with their packs to go quickly through the Gallows. He led them through a doorway and Thunder stood, wagging his stubby tail excitedly.

“Do you need a break?” Garrett asked turning to Fenris.

“Only a moment,” Fenris said. He sunk to his knees and gently set Anders down on the ground. Anders immediately rolled to his side and whined, a soft painful sound. Garrett exchanged a frown with Fenris and knelt in front of him.

Thunder came up to them and sniffed then whined as he sat near the mage’s feet. Garrett gently brushed his hair away from his eyes. “What have they done to you, love?” he whispered sadly. It was impossible to read anything from the single amber eye that gazed up at him. Anders reached for him with one hand and behind him with the other. Garrett took one hand and Fenris took the other. “I’m so sorry Anders. I should have stayed with you.” He shook his head. “Yes…but we have to keep moving. Try to rest.”

Fenris released his hand and lifted him gently but Anders groaned in pain like he had before. Thunder whined again as he stood. Garrett grabbed their packs and his bow. With one last look at the glaring sun burned onto his forehead, Garrett led the way once more.

*

Anders had slept, even though he didn’t think he would. The pain in his backside had subsided somewhat but the rest of him still hurt. He didn’t know how much time had passed but they were still moving. How they were still moving without carrying him was a mystery. It didn’t feel like he was in a wagon and he was lying on something that was soft and set at an angle.

He tried not to let them know he was awake, better that they think he still sleeps. They would know soon enough anyway. He wondered if he should try and heal himself…perhaps ease some of their worry. None of his injuries were life threatening though and he had caused so much death. Maybe it was a strange sort of justice that he hurt so much now.

It was quiet and he could feel a light breeze. They were out of Kirkwall at least, not that it mattered much. The emptiness inside eventually drove him to open his good eye to find one of them, to make sure he wasn’t alone. There were trees above him and mountains to one side. Turning his head slightly he saw that he was lying on a blanket that had been tied between two poles. The bottom drug on the ground and Garrett walked along beside him. He couldn’t see Fenris or Thunder but that was all right. Someone had to be pulling the litter.

Garrett looked exhausted and Anders frowned. He wondered how long they had been walking while he slept. Anders thought of a spell. It was no substitute for rest but it would keep Garrett on his feet. Knowing that the rogue would keep pushing himself Anders decided that it was a better use for the magic he shouldn’t still have. Lifting his arm towards Garrett, Anders gathered his mana and cast a rejuvenation spell on him.

“Fenris!” Garrett gasped as he looked down at Anders.

The litter stopped moving as Anders let his hand fall back to his side. Fenris moved into his field of vision next to Garrett but he hadn’t been lowered to the ground. He looked worse than Garrett. How long had Fenris carried him? Before either of them said anything he raised his arm again and cast the spell on Fenris.

“Thank the Maker,” Garrett whispered as he dropped to his knees. Fenris stood behind Garrett and crossed his arms over his chest, his lips curved up the slightest bit. “How?” asked Garrett touching his forehead lightly. 

“Justice,” Anders said his voice hoarse and quiet. Another tear escaped as he blinked, rolling across his temple.

“I’m so sorry, love,” Garrett said quietly, sadly.

“Can you heal yourself?” Fenris asked.

Anders looked up at Fenris and shook his head. Fenris sighed and placed a hand on Garrett’s shoulder. Garrett was confused but Fenris understood. This pain was his punishment.

“Come,” Fenris said quietly. “We must find a place to rest before nightfall.”

Garrett caressed his cheek lightly. “Rest then.”

Anders closed his eye and they began moving again.


	3. Chapter 3

Was it irony perhaps…poetic justice? Strange indeed that the very thing he’d hated about the Mage had saved him. Did the Rite simply burn out the strongest Fade presence? Had the demon sacrificed itself to save his host? If so, had Fenris been wrong about it being a demon at all? They would probably never know.

Hawke had accepted the demon…or spirit…as just another part of Anders while Fenris had come to an uneasy truce with him about it. They agreed to disagree and not to speak about it. That Anders was much better off without its terrifying influence, he felt, was a given. Look what it had driven him to. The Mage was most likely missing it though. Fenris couldn’t help him with that. Demon or spirit Fenris was glad the thing was gone and very grateful that Anders had been left more or less intact.

His refusal to heal himself however, Hawke didn’t understand but Fenris did. It was simple guilt. Without the demon’s influence it was harder for Anders to see the drastic measures he’d taken and all the lives he’d cut short that night as justifiable. For a man who had dedicated his life to saving people, to have killed so many at once must be devastating. This he might be able to help with.

Fenris looked down at the sleeping mage. He carefully removed the cloth that they had placed over his swollen eye wet it with cold water from his waterskin and gently draped it over his face again. They hoped to bring the swelling down but it also covered up the sun. Neither he nor Hawke liked seeing it.

With a small frown, Anders fingers twitched as he slept. He wondered what the Mage was dreaming. As Fenris looked back to the foothills of the Vimmark Mountains he stifled a yawn. He and Hawke hadn’t slept for almost three days now and they were both exhausted. Thunder was tired too. The Mabari was getting along in years but pulled the litter bearing Anders faithfully. 

Hawke was pushing them hard but Fenris didn’t mind too much. They had to stay ahead of any Templars that would be sent after Anders. There was a possibility they wouldn’t care about a Tranquil that had gone missing but there was a possibility that they would want him back…especially the Tranquil that had destroyed the Chantry. 

Sebastian was also a danger. He had vowed to take his lands and exact his own vengeance when both he and Hawke refused to kill Anders. There were too many things they needed to stay ahead of but they desperately needed to rest. Neither of them could help Anders heal if they dropped from exhaustion.

*

Garrett scanned the foothills and finally found what he was looking for. Even with the spell Anders had used on them, he and Fenris could barely put one foot in front of the other. He scratched Thunder’s head and said, “Over there boy.” He whuffed tiredly and turned in the direction Garrett had pointed. 

“He will not like it,” Fenris said from behind him.

“We don’t have much choice,” Garrett said. “I can set some traps at the entrance.”

Garrett had taken them in the direction of Cumberland, staying off the main road and traveling through the foothills. He wanted as much distance as possible between them and Kirkwall before they stopped. There wasn’t as much as he would like but they had to stop. With Anders in such bad shape traveling had been slow and difficult. His refusal to heal himself hadn’t helped either.

Anders had been sleeping off and on the whole day. Sometimes he’d wake whimpering, or jerk in his sleep and wake moaning in pain. The wet cloth seemed to be helping the swelling of his face and his left eye was now a tiny slit when he opened them. Garrett feared what the rest of Anders looked like under the drab green robes he was dressed in now.

As they approached the cave Garrett fell back and saw that he was awake. The cloth had been pulled down to his chest and he turned his head slowly to see where they were.

“I’m sorry, love, but we need to stop,” Garrett said. “It’s a cave but don’t worry. One of us will be with you.”

He frowned but nodded and Garrett left Anders in Fenris’ capable hands. They continued on into the cave and he knelt at the entrance. Garrett dropped the packs and set his bow on the ground within easy grabbing distance. He worked quickly to set a few traps at the entrance. None of them were in any shape to set a watch of any sort.

When he was satisfied he looked out at the surrounding countryside. Trees were scattered along the slope but there was no one about. The trail they had left was very clear but that was inevitable as long as Anders couldn’t walk. He checked the traps he’d set once more and satisfied that anyone coming into the cave would have a nasty surprise waiting for them, one that would hopefully wake one of them, he grabbed the packs and his bow and moved further into the cave. 

Fenris had taken them to the back of the shallow cave. The harness they had rigged on the litter had been removed and Thunder lifted his head briefly to see who was coming before resting it on his paws once more. He sat next to Anders, who still lay on the litter, holding one of his hands.

Both of them watched as Garrett spread their bedrolls. Anders was carefully moved to the middle of their makeshift bed and he rolled onto his side. Fenris collapsed in front of him, close but far enough that Anders could roll over if he wanted, and his breathing slowed to the deep, even breaths of sleep almost immediately. Garrett paused only to set his bow and quiver within easy reach and lay behind Anders.

“Garrett?” Anders said fearfully, his voice still a quiet, rough croak.

“Shh,” Garrett whispered quietly. “I’m right here.” He gently rested his hand on Anders’ shoulder. “You’re all right. Rest, love…you’re safe.”

Anders took his hand and gripped it tightly.

*

He dreamed…and they were frightening. She stood in front of many people…at least Elthina was whole. The large crowd of people behind her however, they were frightening to look at. Some of them were little more than burned ashes with an elven or human shape. They were crushed and some dismembered. The ones he couldn’t stand looking at though were the mages. Their bodies torn apart, gaping sword wounds that no longer bled…one mage held his head in the crook of one arm. 

They yelled in anger, screamed in agony or just stared at him silently. Their accusing eyes on him but none would pass her. She was sad and disapproving. Anders couldn’t move, couldn’t look away from all the people he’d killed. Elthina walked forward, frowning, and lightly touched his forehead. He felt the brand, the searing heat burning his flesh and the crowd surged forward as she walked past him. He screamed in terror and the dream changed.

His eyes closed, gauntlets…a pair at his hips and one in his hair, tears streaming down his cheeks. On the floor, arms shaking, cold stone digging into his bare knees, trousers torn and around his ankles. A Templar in front and behind, burning pain as he’s taken roughly from behind and he gags on the cock being shoved down his throat.

Anders jerked awake with a hoarse shout, panicking when he could still feel a hand on his hip. Eyes open, the left just a small slit, the right wide and rolling madly he reached down to the hand at his hip. Instead of metal he felt flesh and leather. Eyes finally adjusted to the dim light he could see white hair in front of him…Fenris.

Garrett…it is Garrett’s hand on him, Garrett behind him. Anders took his hand and moved it up to his side. Breathing heavily, he reminded himself that Garrett would never hurt him. He was tired…they had slept like this most of the time in Kirkwall. He was very affectionate and usually pressed closer than he was. Anders slept in the middle because Fenris wasn’t much for sleepy cuddling.

It hurt that a simple touch had frightened him so badly. This was Garrett and he was gentle, caring…Garrett loved him. Garrett had come for him, saved him from such treatment. Anders squeezed his eyes shut and carefully pushed Garrett’s hand back down to his hip. He was empty and guilty of many horrible things but he refused to be scared of them.

They wouldn’t hurt him. If Garrett wanted to cuddle Anders would let him. He trembled faintly as the slight weight from his hand settled once more. Gradually his shaking stopped as he told himself over and over that it was Garrett’s hand. Anders knew there would be no more sleep for him tonight as he waited for that simple touch to become familiar again. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm repeating my suicide trigger warning. Last time this one will come up.

Anders didn’t sleep but he dozed after a while, Garrett’s hand at his hip wasn’t exactly comfortable but familiar at least. They slept on and Anders yawned and stretched after a while. He tried not to cry out when his movements brought him pain. Light was streaming in from the mouth of the cave a little ways away.

Even though he didn’t want to wake either of them he was beginning to realize he might have to. He was thirsty but that need wasn’t as pressing as his need to find a privy. Since they were in a cave it would have been simple enough to stand and relieve himself on the far wall…if he could walk. It would be simple enough to heal himself.

Images of his dream drifted back to him, and he shook his head. They were beyond healing, would never be happy or sad again. Anders shook his head again and pushed himself up, wincing as his broken ribs grated against each other. He carefully slid his way down towards their feet, robes being pushed up as he went.

“What are you doing?” Fenris asked quietly as he sat up.

Frowning guiltily, Anders looked back at him but said nothing. Fenris hissed quietly and Anders followed his gaze to his own legs. The broken one was splinted and covered in bandages but the other was mottled by bruises, the largest one by far on his knee. Since his leg had been snapped after they had raped him, a vicious kick to his thigh from metal clad feet when he couldn’t stand, Anders was sure there would be a matching one on his other knee.

Suddenly embarrassed he tried to pull his skirts down but they were caught under him and wouldn’t move. He made a distressed sound when Fenris scooted down the bedroll. Anders squeezed his eyes shut and he felt Fenris take his hand and gently move it away from his skirts. His skirts slid a small ways up the rest of his thigh.

“Don’t,” he blurted out. He did _not_ want to Fenris to see the bruises that were surely on his hips. “Please.”

There was movement behind him as his skirts stopped sliding upwards. He heard Garrett’s gasp and doubled his efforts to pull his skirts down, needing to hide the evidence of what had been done. Anders was sure that they knew but he didn’t want them to see.

“Shh,” Garrett said soothingly and he felt his arms wrap around him. He was lifted slightly and he felt the skirts being pulled down his legs. A sob escaped him. “It’s all right love.”Anders settled back into Garrett’s embrace and cried quietly. Fenris took his hand and Garrett just held him. Slowly his tears stopped.

“We know, Anders,” Fenris said quietly but fiercely. “You don’t need to hide from us.”

“Don’t look,” Anders said as he opened his eyes. He silently pleaded with the elf to understand but it was clear he didn’t.

“We won’t,” Garrett said softly, close to his ear. “Not until you’re ready.”

“I…” Anders began. He started coughing, his throat still felt raw and dry. The spasms irritated his broken ribs and he squeezed his eyes shut once more. Something was pressed to his lips as the coughing stopped and he drank from the waterskin.

“You should at least heal you’re ribs,” Fenris said putting the stopper back in his waterskin. “There is danger of further injury.”

Anders watched him for a long moment. There was only concern on his still tired face and truth to his words. “Please, love,” Garrett whispered in his ear. He turned his head slightly and the worry he saw in Garrett’s eyes cracked his resolve. To ease their burden, he would give them this at least. Anders nodded slowly. His hands already where they needed to be, glowed with blue healing light and he emitted a tiny sigh of relief. It was followed immediately by guilt.

“Come on love,” Garrett said gently pulling him up as he stood. Garrett walked with him over to the far wall. “None of this is your fault,” he said quietly.

He had a very hard time believing that.

***

They had put him back on the litter and the motion had quickly put Anders to sleep. When he woke next the wet cloth covered his face and he reached up and pulled it off. He touched the left side of his face gingerly and found the swelling had gone down a bit. It was then he noticed that there was a strip of cloth covering his forehead.

He felt it, soft, velvet, tied at the side of his head so the knot wouldn’t disturb him. Fenris was walking next to him and Anders saw that the red strip of cloth that he’d had wrapped around his wrist was gone. It was probably what had been tied around his forehead…hiding the sun branded onto it no doubt.

Anders almost pushed it off. It was just more evidence of his crimes, the cause of the emptiness inside of him. Instead he held out his hand, palm up and created a tiny flame. Mesmerized, he watched the flame grow as he fed it mana. It would be so easy…

“Stop!”

The litter halted and Anders made the flame disappear as Fenris grabbed his hand. He looked up at Fenris and cringed at the anger he saw. Turning his gaze down to stare at a spot on the ground near Fenris’ feet he saw Garrett’s boots and heard them speaking quietly to each other. 

“Anders,” Garrett said as he knelt.

Anders looked away from him guiltily. He wanted the emptiness to go away, to bring them all back, go back and do it right…without all the death. That was beyond his power.

“Anders,” said Garrett firmly. When he still wouldn’t look, Garrett turned his head with gentle fingers on his chin. “No more of that.”

He glanced up at Fenris, who still held his hand, and saw that he was still angry but it was a worried sort of anger. Anders wondered suddenly how they could care so much for someone who had killed so many. “Why?” he asked.

“To kill one’s self is a sin in the eyes of the Maker,” Fenris said fiercely. “You’re death and suffering cannot help them.”

“They have already punished you,” Garrett said sadly. “Let us help you.”

Both of them had misunderstood his question but he couldn’t find the words.

“You helped me through my darkest time,” Garrett said. “We’ll get through this but you must not try anything like that again.”

Looking from one to the other he was struck by the depth of their love. Slowly he nodded.

“Swear it.” Fenris demanded. “Swear that you won’t ever try again.”

“I promise,” Anders said quietly looking up at him. Fenris nodded and Garrett caressed his cheek tenderly. He didn’t understand but he was grateful. Maybe they could help him banish the emptiness.


	5. Chapter 5

Garrett and Fenris walked side by side, both watching Anders as much as the way ahead. The loss of Justice, the Rite, the beating and being raped was hitting him hard. Garrett had never thought he would think fondly of the days when they couldn’t get him to stop talking about mage’s rights. For two days now he’d only spoken in one or two word sentences and often not at all. His voice sounded almost normal now but he was always quiet even when he did speak. 

When he wasn’t sleeping, Anders would be staring off at nothing in particular…like he was now. Garrett tried to be a calm man but he found himself getting angry. They had been unnecessarily brutal and had broken something inside of Anders. Even as he’d been that last year in Kirkwall, desperate, determined, sad, was better than the empty shell in front of them.

He was beginning to think that they needed to find a place to stop for a while. They needed to stay ahead of Sebastian but the way he acted now Anders just might throw himself at the Prince’s feet. A relatively safe place, close enough to Cumberland for supplies but far enough away to be isolated, then he and Fenris could concentrate on Anders.

“How close do you think we are to Cumberland?” asked Garrett softly.

“I’m not sure. Do you wish to avoid the city?” Fenris replied just as quietly.

“Yes, but I was thinking of stopping somewhere close.”

Fenris turned to look at him. “Is that wise?”

Garrett shrugged as he said, “Probably not but…”

“He needs it,” Fenris said with a small nod.

“Let’s look for a place to stop for the night.”

*

Anders watched the trees flow by above him and listened to their quiet voices. Though he couldn’t understand them they comforted him. It was a small reminder that he wasn’t alone. After living for so many years with another being as a part himself the silence inside was almost unbearable. He kept expecting the spirit to make his presence known. To tell him the things he should be doing to help them win freedom, to demand the Templars be punished for violating him.

But he was gone and it was his fault. He couldn’t stop them and he wondered if he ever could have. Their actions had done nothing but caused many to die. He didn’t honestly know which was worse, the guilt he felt over their deaths or the guilt he felt at Justice’s death. The worst by far was the gaping hole Justice had left in his soul. So he listened to their murmuring and watched the trees flow by.

The sun was high and they stopped to let Thunder rest and eat. Anders had no apatite but ate the food they handed him anyway. He watched their worried faces as he was put back on the litter and they started moving again. The afternoon wore on and Anders continued to watch the trees pass by above him. 

It was early when they stopped for the night in a sheltered alcove. He was glad it wasn’t a cave. Fenris and Garrett gathered wood while he sat and watched, Thunder lying at his side. That he could sit without pain was a small relief. Fenris struggled to light the fire while Garrett took his bow and left.

Leaning forward Anders touched his shoulder. “Can I?” he asked. 

Fenris moved to the side and gestured at the pile of small sticks. Anders sent a small fireball towards it and they caught fire quickly. He settled back against the log he leaned against and Fenris sat next to him, a small smile directed at him. It was nice to see him smile but Anders just couldn’t return it. Instead, he leaned on Fenris and took his hand, taking a small measure of comfort from his close presence.

Garrett returned a while later with a gutted and skinned rabbit to find them both quietly watching the fire. The rabbit was cooked and they shared it, Anders once more eating because he was expected to and not because he was particularly hungry. Fenris prepared their bedroll while Garrett walked with him a ways away.

Anders was glad for the darkness that hid the state of his legs as Garrett supported him while they relieved themselves. He wondered again if he should heal his leg at least. If his leg was healed he would be less of a burden for them but he decided to think on it some more. He was helped to their bedroll and lying between them once more tried to sleep. Fenris fell asleep quickly and he was tired but Garrett was restless.

“Anders,” said Garrett softly. “Do you mind if I get closer?”

“I…don’t mind,” he said trying to keep the nerves he felt out of his voice.

Lying on his side, he felt Garrett scoot closer and his hand rubbing his shoulder gently. “It’s all right if you do mind. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

Unable to explain why he was nervous, to Garrett or himself, Anders scooted backward a small amount until they were pressed closely together. He only felt Garrett. There was no hard metal between them. His hands were not encompassed by gauntlets. There was only the warm familiar presence of him pressed closely against Anders and he understood. Even if he could no longer stand the feel of hands on his hips he needed this small bit of normal in a world that was now foreign to him. 

Anders took his hand and brought it forward, under his own arm and pressed Garrett’s hand to his chest. “Don’t mind,” he whispered.

***

The next few days were uneventful. Anders couldn’t bring himself to heal his leg and they wouldn’t let him even try to walk by himself. He didn’t protest or pout like he might have in the past but took a small measure of comfort from their worry and a large helping of guilt for the same thing. They spoke with him constantly but he was still mostly quiet. He didn’t really know what to say so he didn’t say anything. That worried them as well but like his leg he just couldn’t bring himself to speak beyond what he had to. 

Anders didn’t know where they were and didn’t much care. They were looking for something but he didn’t know what. The litter was stopped but it was too early to stop for the night and they had already had lunch. He could hear water running somewhere close by and looked around. There were more trees and the mountains rose up in the distance but he couldn’t see what had interested them.

Fenris knelt beside him and spoke quietly. “A cabin. It looks abandoned. Hawke is checking it. If it’s safe we will stay here for a while.” He nodded, not really knowing what else to do and they waited. When Garrett joined them Anders was helped to stand and brought into the cabin. It was dusty and full of cobwebs. A small bed was pushed in one corner and there was a fireplace against one wall. They helped him sit on the bed and he watched Garrett start undressing.

“Cumberland isn’t far and I’m going there to get some things we need and to find out what’s happening,” he said watching Anders as he redressed in clothes that wouldn’t mark him as the Champion of Kirkwall. “I’ll take Thunder with me but Fenris will stay here with you.” He bent as he buttoned the leather vest and placed a tender kiss on the corner of his mouth. “I promise I’ll be quick.”

Anders frowned but nodded. He understood it was necessary but didn’t want Garrett to leave. At least Fenris would be with him. Garrett spoke with Fenris quietly for a moment, and he watched them kiss before Garrett and Thunder were gone.


	6. Chapter 6

Silence fell. Fenris wasn’t sure how to fill it. Normally the Mage would have made at least three obvious observations by now but he sat on the dust covered bed staring at the door like he’d never see Hawke again. 

They had both agreed that they had to be close to Cumberland by now. Traveling had been slow but rumors spread with the speed of a blight in full swing. Both of them wanted to know if they were being followed and they did need a few things if they were to stay here. There was no choice really of who would go. Hawke was the only one of them who could fade into the crowd. Fenris was noticed even when he tried not to be.

In the days of travel, they had come up with a plan. The first part of their plan was simple. To get him talking again but it wasn’t so simple for Fenris. Hawke had the strange ability to put anyone at ease and everyone had told him things they didn’t normally tell others. Even after Hawke brought them together Fenris and Anders had still fought but there was less venom from both of them. An argument was probably not the best way to go.

Anders turned his forlorn expression from the door to him and Fenris shuffled his feet. He frowned at the dirty floor and an idea struck him. Fenris turned to the door but only took a few steps before Anders spoke.

“Fenris!” 

There was fear in his voice and Fenris hated hearing it. He turned back towards the Mage and saw that he was standing, all his weight on his good leg, with an arm half outstretched. His face was easier to read without the swollen left side and all he saw was worried fear.

“Yes?” he asked calmly.

“Where?” Anders asked. Fenris stood where he was and waited. When Anders said nothing more he arched an eyebrow and crossed his arms over his chest. Anders swallowed audibly and said in a shaky voice, “Where are you going?”

“Outside.”

“Don’t…I…Please,” Anders stammered.

Fenris took a few steps closer to him and Anders visibly relaxed. “Better?” he asked. When he nodded Fenris continued. “Now tell me.”

“I…don’t want to…be alone,” Anders said quietly.

He smiled and Anders relaxed further when he stepped next to him. Fenris put his arm around his waist and helped the Mage walk to the doorway. “This would be easier if you would heal yourself.”

Anders shook his head and said, “Stick. Something to lean on.”

Fenris left Anders leaning against the doorway and walked quickly to the abandoned litter. He untied the blanket from one of the thick poles and held it up. “Will this work?” he asked. Anders nodded and Fenris said, “Say it.”

“Yes.”

Smiling, Fenris gave the pole to Anders. It was only a few sentences but it was more than he had spoken at once for nearly a week. Just a few words but it was progress. 

***

Anders spent the rest of that afternoon trying to help Fenris clean up the cabin. It had taken him a few tries before he found a way to walk leaning on the thick pole instead of his leg. There wasn’t much he could do really. Fenris had to sweep the floor with a broom that they had found after knocking down most of the cobwebs with it. Anders pulled one of his old shirts out of his pack, Fenris and Garrett had somehow found it, and cleaned off the mantle of the fireplace. 

Fenris had spoken with him the entire time and was insistent that Anders use sentences. He didn’t understand why but Fenris seemed pleased. The more he spoke the easier it got. There was still no urge to converse but it was easier to speak at least.

It was late afternoon when Fenris declared the cabin livable and they were both filthy. Anders really wanted a bath but he didn’t want to be alone. Some of his bandages needed to be changed as well. That would mean undressing in front of Fenris and he still didn’t want them to see. So he stood just outside of the cabin watching Fenris gather wood for a fire later. 

There was a sizeable pile of wood next to the fireplace when Anders’ healer instincts won out over his need to hide the Templar’s brutality. He hobbled slowly over to where Fenris was gathering and cleared his throat. The elf looked up at him and then stood, waiting patiently for him to speak.

“I want a bath,” he said quietly. “Need…need to change some…bandages.”

“Do you want me to be with you?” Fenris asked. 

“Yes,” Anders replied nervously. “I’m going to need help.”

After a moment Fenris nodded. “I’ll put this up and grab your pack. The stream is over there.”

Anders started off in the direction Fenris had pointed in but wasn’t comfortable until Fenris walked slowly beside him. Even then he was nervous. He wasn’t sure just what he looked like under his robes but he did know it wasn’t going to be pleasant. Generally, if an apostate was to be brought in alive, Templars avoided cutting the mage. They had known that he wouldn’t resort to blood magic, however and hadn’t been careful at all.

They stopped at the edge of the stream he had heard earlier. It was actually larger than a stream but not large enough to be a river. The water looked like it would come up to his knees and he frowned at the thought of trying to sit.

“What do you need me to do?” Fenris asked quietly.

Anders looked over at him before taking a deep breath. He handed Fenris the pole and unbuttoned the top of his robes. Pulling them off before he could change his mind and said in a rush, “Cut the bandages off. Leave the one’s on my leg.”

Fenris worked quickly and quietly after handing the pole back to him. The large bandage around his ribs was pulled off first, the ones around his arms after. Anders looked down at himself briefly. He was more bruise colored than white. All of them seemed to be in a different shade of healing. Most of the pain had faded to a general ache and Fenris was gentle.

“Into the water?” Fenris asked quietly.

Anders nodded before he found his voice. It was shaking when he said, “Help me.” He pulled on one side of his smallclothes and Fenris helped him pull them off over the splint tied to his left leg. Anders looked down at one of his hips and quickly looked away. It was a faded green color but on his hip, a not quite whole hand print. Fenris cursed quietly in his mother language but said nothing else.

He closed his eyes and memories floated to the surface. There had been so many of them and they had all held him in the same spot. Their gauntlets had dug cruelly into his flesh and their grip had gotten harder when he could no longer hold himself up, the burning pain as he was taken dry without any preparation. Tears spilled out of his eyes and flowed unnoticed down his cheeks.

“Anders.”

Fenris…he opened his eyes and saw that Fenris had stripped and stood in the water holding out his hand. Reaching out, Anders took his hand and they stepped out into the water, leaving the pole at the bank. Fenris helped him down and with his left leg straight in front of him and the other bent at the knee he put his hands into the water and steadied himself with his hands on the streambed.

With a rag and a bar of soap that he’d brought with, Fenris was silent as he worked quickly. Anders focused on the water in front of him, watching his rippling reflection. He pushed up the red strip of cloth, revealing the sun branded onto his forehead. He shut his eyes again and fell back against Fenris. Feeling his arms around him, his head resting on the elf’s slim shoulder, right leg relaxing until Fenris held him completely, Anders wept.


	7. Chapter 7

Fenris shifted his weight slightly and wished fervently that Hawke was here instead of on the road to Cumberland somewhere. He didn’t know what to do to calm Anders so he simply held him. Eventually his anguished heart wrenching sobs dwindled to sniffles but the Mage seemed drained of any life he’d regained.

With one arm still supporting Anders, Fenris tossed the red strip of cloth to the bank after he’d gently pried it from the death grip Anders had on it. He rinsed the rag out and carefully washed Anders’ face. Anders lay in his arms, unmoving except for his eyes which seemed to be focused only on Fenris. Wanting to get them both out of the cold water, Fenris quickly finished washing him with the soapy rag and rinsed water through his hair.

“Anders, we have to stand now,” Fenris said quietly.

“Yes,” he said. His voice was barely audible.

He stood, supporting Anders as he got his right leg under him, and walked them slowly to the bank. Fenris gave Anders the pole and the mage just stood there, leaning on it and watching him intently. Looking at the filthy robes, Fenris shook his head and dug through the pack until he found a nightshirt. He held it out but Anders just stood there, leaning on the pole and watching him with a faraway look in his eyes.

Fenris pulled the nightshirt over his head and made sure he was working on putting his arms through the sleeves before pulling a pair of pants out of the pack. He slipped them on and tied the laces tight and began stuffing everything he could into the pack. Shouldering his sword he picked up the pack and turned to Anders.

“Come,” he said quietly.

Anders eyes focused on him and he said softly, “Fenris, I’m tired.”

“Soon.”

The short walk back to the cabin seemed to take forever. Fenris stayed close to him as he wobbled unsteadily forward. Anders stood just inside the cabin, watching as Fenris dropped the pack to the floor and set his sword next to it. He set out their bedroll in front of the fireplace.

Anders stepped forward slowly and Fenris helped him to sit, leaving the pole next to his sword. “We need to bandage some of the cuts on your arms,” Fenris said.

“Tired,” Anders said shaking his head. 

Fenris knelt in front of him and pushed Anders’ hair out of his eyes. “It won’t take long,” he said.

After a moment, Anders nodded. The shirtsleeves were pushed up as Fenris cut lengths off of a bandage roll in his pack. He worked quickly and normally the mage would have made some comment on the sloppiness but he merely sat and watched.

When he finished Fenris started to stand but Anders held onto his arm. “Stay…please,” he said his voice quiet and pleading. 

He settled back down with his legs crossed. Anders shuffled around and finally lay with his head resting on Fenris’ thigh, his hands clutching each other next to his face. Eyes closed and asleep in minutes, Fenris carefully hooked a lock of hair behind his ear. The sun glared up at him and Fenris hoped the Mage had purged some of the poison the Templars had left him with. With one hand resting lightly on Anders’ shoulder, the other close to his sword, Fenris watched the door and waited.

***

It was past nightfall when Garrett and Thunder approached the cabin wearily. He opened the door slowly and Thunder poked his snout through the crack, sniffing before going through. With moonlight filtering in around him the first thing he noticed was Fenris. He sat with his legs crossed at the head of their bedroll, wearing nothing but a pair of Anders pants, one hand lightly gripping the mages’ shoulder and the other gripped his sword hilt. Somehow he managed to look menacing even sitting on the floor with Anders’ head resting on his lap. The next thing he noticed was how vulnerable Anders appeared. He slept peacefully, curled as closely to Fenris as he could, in a nightshirt that stopped at his knees.

“What happened?” he asked quietly. Thunder flopped down at the edge of the bedroll as Garrett closed the door behind him.

“We cleaned the cabin and then ourselves. Anders…broke down,” he said softly. “We can speak more in the morning.”

Garrett pulled his boots off after setting the pack down. He pulled off the leather gloves and the leather vest before sitting behind Anders. He lay down, close to him and carefully he and Fenris exchanged his thigh for Garrett’s arm. Anders sighed in his sleep as Garrett put his other arm around him. 

“Hawke,” Fenris said as he lay in front of Anders. “Try not to touch his hips.”

He frowned before closing his eyes. There would be enough time in the morning to swap stories. For now…he was exhausted.

*

Anders woke briefly during the night. Garrett was curled around him protectively and he snuggled closer. He could see Fenris sprawled in front of him, one hand resting on his stomach but the other at his side close to him. He slowly moved his hand to cover the elf’s and closed his eyes once more.

***

It was morning and he was awake but Anders kept his eyes closed and his breathing even. Garrett was still pressed closely, his solid presence comforting. Anders could feel Fenris’ hand atop his outstretched one, fingers rubbing the back of it gently.

There was still emptiness inside, still guilt ridden. But here, with the two people he cared about the most, he knew he was protected. He still grieved for his missing friend, but he was also grateful. He was grateful that he still could care for these two, for the guilt that plagued him and even for the fear that had replaced hate. There was also a small glimmer of hope, hope that they could help him fill the hole Justice had left. So he lay there, wrapped in Garrett’s arms and feeling Fenris’ strong willed presence just in front of him, and listened to their quiet conversation.

Fenris was telling Garrett of their day. He told of cleaning the cabin and seemed proud that Anders had spoken much more yesterday than he had since they had found him in the Gallows. He told of the stream, of his terrible discoveries, Anders weeping, finishing with how tired he had been and how Fenris had sat there waiting for Garrett.

Garrett began speaking. Cumberland was a little farther away than what they had thought. It had taken longer to get there and back then either of them had figured it would. He had bought whatever it was that they needed but heard some disturbing rumors. The Circles were restless and the Chantry furious. Tensions were high all over because of what had happened in Kirkwall. An incident he had started. There were other rumors…rumors that the man responsible had been caught and made Tranquil. Some said that they had captured the wrong person.

But all knew of the Tranquil mage that disappeared the same night he had been branded. Most believe that this Tranquil was indeed the man who had destroyed the Chantry in Kirkwall, the Champion’s lover. It was also fact that the Champion and his companions had disappeared. Only Anders’ status was in dispute, with most believing that he was Tranquil and had been spirited away by the Champion.

It was the next bit of information Garrett had found out that made him cringe. They wanted him back. Anders made a fearful distressed noise and the cabin grew quiet. Fenris’ restless fingers settled on top of his hand and Garrett’s arms around him tightened.

“Anders, are you awake?” Garrett asked softly.

“I don’t want to go back,” he said in a frightened whisper.

“Don’t worry love,” Garrett said in a soothing voice. “They can’t have you.”

“Never again,” Fenris added firmly.


	8. Chapter 8

Anders remained quiet as Garrett sat up behind him. He reluctantly sat up along with him. This would probably mean they would be leaving again soon and he would only slow them down. Even though he was the reason they would be hounded he still felt bad about it. He thought again of healing his leg and dismissed it moments later.

The Templars were numerous and it probably wouldn’t just be Kirkwall’s Templars after them either. If they found out that his connection to the Fade was intact there was nothing Garrett or Fenris could do to keep him free. They would take him eventually and try to figure out why the Rite didn’t work. He shuddered at that thought.

“Are you all right Anders?” Garrett asked in concern.

“Yes…no…I…don’t know,” he said feeling more confused than anything at that moment. There was simply too much going on around and inside and it felt like he was being swept away. “Too much,” Anders added quietly.

“Don’t worry, love,” Garrett said embracing him from behind. “We’ll get you sorted out.”

“We can’t stay here Hawke,” Fenris said. “If they found our trail it will lead them directly here.”

“I know, we’ll have to stay for a day or two at least probably,” said Garrett. “Can’t have Anders on the trail in a nightshirt.”

“Anders, we could travel quicker if you healed your leg,” Fenris said in a matter-of-fact tone of voice.

Anders shook his head and held up a hand when Fenris frowned. “It would be safer if I don’t,” he said hesitantly and lightly touched the scar on his forehead. “Not supposed to.”

“That’s…logical I suppose,” Garrett said. “Maybe we can find some horses in Cumberland.”

Fenris, still frowning, said, “Are you sure there isn’t another reason?”

He looked down at his lap, unable to meet the elf’s knowing gaze. His original reason for not healing himself was still firm in his mind. After all the hurt and pain he had caused, the discomfort and inconvenience of a broken leg was nothing. It would heal in time…but those he had killed were gone forever.

“I thought so,” Fenris said quietly. “Why do you insist on punishing yourself? Haven’t they done enough?”

Yes, he thought, they have done plenty. Anders knew he couldn’t ever explain well enough to make Fenris understand though. He leaned back against Garrett closed his eyes and mumbled an apology. 

“Fenris,” Garrett said. “We can talk about this later. For now, let’s figure out where we’re going at least.”

“As far from Kirkwall and Starkhaven as we can get,” said Fenris digging through Garrett’s pack. “Ferelden perhaps?”

Garrett moved to sit next to Anders and shook his head as Fenris broke some bread off of a loaf and passed them each a chunk of it. “They’ll be expecting that. Anders and I are from Ferelden, can’t make it easy for them to catch us.”

Anders shook his head. He’d spent most of his life in Ferelden yes but he wasn’t actually from there. “Anderfels,” he said quietly turning the bread over in his hands before taking a small bite.

“Oh, that’s right,” Garrett said thoughtfully. “Your parents moved to Ferelden while you were still young.”

Silence fell and Fenris passed out chunks of cheese. Anders ate mechanically, without tasting or enjoying. It wouldn’t matter much where they went, there would be Templars. He was all too familiar with the concept of running from Templars, but then…so was Garrett.

“Weisshaupt is in the Anderfels,” said Garrett softly. “Home of the Grey Wardens.”

The cheese he’d eaten sat heavily in his stomach as Anders turned to see Garrett. Excitement lit his eyes and Anders shook his head. The Warden’s hadn’t been able to protect him before. Would they even accept him now that he was a wanted mass murderer?

“Yes, it’s perfect,” Garrett said patiently. “The Templars can’t touch mage wardens! The Hero of Ferelden was a mage, taken from the Circle.”

“That’s awfully close to Minrathous,” Fenris said cautiously.

“We’ll avoid Tevinter,” Garret said confidently. “We’re going to Weisshaupt.”

***

A short while later Anders sat at the very edge of the stream, a small pile of dirty clothes to his right. His left leg, splinted straight, stuck out into the water and his right leg folded close to the rest of him. He sat by himself, a dirty shirt clasped loosely in his lap, but he was not alone. Thunder lay next to him, ears swiveling this way and that at sounds that Anders couldn’t hear. Fenris was close by as well, picking berries from a bush not far away but still out of sight.

Their destination set, Garrett had left to ‘acquire’ some horses. He had promised to be back before nightfall however, but that didn’t stop Anders from worrying about him. The thought of going to Weisshaupt worried him as well. The Warden’s might take him in but they might also want nothing to do with him. It wasn’t beyond the realm of possibility that he would be studied there too. Even this worry wasn’t foremost in his thoughts. 

It was his reflection that he stared at. His expression was sad even through the fading bruise around his eye. He reached up and touched the red strip of cloth that had been once more tied around his forehead and he thought about the origins of it. A strip of red velvet, meant to be tied around a man’s waist. Garrett’s waist, he’d given it to Fenris as a favor…a declaration of love, now his…hiding the evidence of what he should be.

Anders pushed up the red cloth, such a fitting color, and stared at the sun that had been branded onto him. It had been too much yesterday. He couldn’t stand the sight of it, another reminder of the friend that had died somehow instead. A reminder of all the blood they had spilled, of the emptiness inside that threatened to swallow him. It was still all these things, but that tiny glimmer of hope he felt allowed him to look without tears.

He pushed the red cloth down, covering it once more and plunged the shirt into the water. Garrett thought that having something to do might help him, something more than just watching trees go by and dwelling on everything that had happened. Anders had to admit as he lost himself to the steady scrubbing and splashing that he might be right.

There had been plenty of idle daydreaming before Justice. Afterwards however, idleness was barely tolerated by his headmate. Garrett had called him a workaholic on many occasions, most often with a fond smile.

Wringing as much water as he could out of the shirt, he placed the wet material in his lap and took another article of clothing from the small pile. Focusing his thoughts on getting the dirty laundry as clean as he could without soap, the pile dwindled to nothing quickly. He was left with a lapful of wet clothes, staring at his reflection once more.

Staring at the red cloth and thinking again that it was such an appropriate color. Red, the color of blood, the blood of innocents that now coated his hands. He plunged his hands into the water, scattering his reflection. Rubbing his hands together, he wished he could wash it off as easily as he’d washed the clothes that he now leaned over.

“It won’t help,” Fenris said quietly over his shoulder. Anders jumped and looked up at him. “You think my hands are any cleaner?” he asked kneeling down next to him. Fenris pulled one of his hands out of the water and held it, palm up. His fingers curled around the sides of Anders’ hand and he was struck by the careful way Fenris held it. The sharp claws on the end of his gauntlets hovered just above his skin. “You called me a living weapon once. There is plenty of innocent blood on my hands.”

“How can you stand it?” Anders asked his voice quiet and sad.

“It was hard at first,” Fenris said. “Their deaths weighed heavily on me. The longer I spent free, away from him and his bloodthirsty ambitions, I realized that I could do nothing about the things I had done already. But I could now choose who I cut down.” He was silent for moment and held Anders’ hand, fingers unfurled and he said, “Weapons can only kill…how many have these hands saved?”

Anders frowned as he looked over at Fenris. He didn’t understand what the elf was trying to tell him. That he was a healer, someone who was supposed to save lives, only made the blood on his hands brighter. Taking so many lives at once was hardly the correct way to show that not all mages were evil. He felt a ghost of the desperation that had led to the Chantry’s destruction. Nothing he tried had worked. Anders shook his head in confusion. 

“Come,” Fenris said quietly. “Let’s set these out somewhere to dry.”


	9. Chapter 9

Garrett was jerked awake when Anders began struggling. He was surprised when Anders had said he didn’t mind snuggling with him. It was even more surprising that the mage seemed to unconsciously crave that closeness. He would have thought Anders wouldn’t want to be touched after what he’d experienced.

“Anders,” Garrett said sleepily letting go of him to prop himself up on one elbow. Anders whimpered and continued to push at something Garrett couldn’t see. His hands brushed at his chest and he kicked feebly with his legs. Garrett rolled him over to his back and brushed at his cheeks. “Anders, love, wake up,” he said close to the mage’s ear.

Eyes opening wide suddenly, rolling in terror and confusion, he gripped Garrett’s shirt. Garrett brushed his hair away from his eyes. “It’s me love, Garrett,” he said softly. Finally Anders focused on him but he was still terrified.

“Garrett,” Anders said in a frightened whisper. He rolled to his side, this time facing Garrett, gripped his shirt with his other hand and pressed his forehead to his chest. “Don’t let them…”

“Shh, it’s all right, love,” Garrett said as he lowered them back down. With one arm under Anders’ head and the other just below his arm, Garrett pulled him into an awkward embrace. He cooed soothing nonsense to Anders as he rubbed comforting circles on his back. Gradually his trembling stopped and his grip slackened. His breathing evened out once more and Garrett wondered what he’d been dreaming.

With his arms still around Anders, Garrett closed his eyes.

Morning came quickly. Fenris gathered their packs with Anders’ help while Garrett saddled the horses. He’d come across a pair of mercenaries on the walk back to Cumberland. There were only two people but four horses. Garrett assumed the other two were from fallen comrades and the pair of them was willing enough to part with them for some coin.

The black horse was rather spirited and he danced nervously as Garrett approached. He spent a few moments rubbing his neck to calm the beast before saddling him. The brown horse only looked at him for a moment before going back to the small patch of grass at his feet.

When he turned Anders stood, leaning on the thick pole, watching Garrett with Thunder sitting placidly next to him. He was dressed in the green robes again with the faraway look that had become his normal expression. Garrett longed to see his smile. It had been rare enough this last year but the mage hadn’t smiled once since they’d found him.

He hadn’t remembered the nightmare that had awakened him, didn’t remember waking at all. Garrett had waked to find Anders watching him, not smiling or frowning, just watching. It reminded him a little too much of the Tranquil that were in the Gallows courtyard. If it wasn’t for the magic he still had Garrett would wonder if the Rite had worked after all. Fenris shut the door of the cabin, breaking Garrett out of his thoughts, and stood next to Anders as he led the brown horse up to them.

“Have either of you ever ridden a horse before?” Garrett asked. He sighed when they both shook their heads.

After demonstrating how to get on the horse they helped Anders into the saddle of the brown horse. Garrett was very glad the horse was patient. Anders had to lean on Garrett while Fenris strapped the pole to his back in a sling they had rigged the night before. Garrett then supported him completely while Anders put his good leg in the stirrup. The skirts of the robes he wore didn’t allow him to swing his broken leg over the horses back. Fenris pulled the skirts up to his knees before he could seat himself.

Garrett sighed in relief and said, “Fenris, I want you behind Anders.”

Fenris eyed the horse warily before climbing up. He handed up Anders pack and Fenris stuffed it between them. Garrett handed the reins to Anders as Fenris wrapped his arms around his middle. Anders looked back briefly then watched Garrett mount the black horse. He danced eagerly and Garrett rubbed his neck.

“We’re going to have to stick to the main roads,” Garrett said. “None of us really knows this area. That means were going to have to stop at Cumberland. Hopefully someone will have a map. Just follow me, we’ll start slow.”

He started off at a walk, looking back once to find them just off to the side and slightly behind. Garrett dreaded reaching Cumberland. They wouldn’t make it to Weisshaupt without directions however. Anders looked different enough in the robes with his hair down and with the headband hiding the sun, he hoped that they could make it out without incident.

*

Anders concentrated on guiding the horse and not falling off. It helped knowing that if he did fall off Fenris would fall with him. He didn’t have time to think or worry as he followed Garrett, touching Fenris’ hands every so often. When the city walls came into view he was a little surprised to see them. Garrett slowed then stopped and Anders ended up beside him as he stopped as well.

“Are you all right Anders?” he asked quietly. 

“Yes Garrett,” Anders said staring into the gates of the city. People went about their business, smiling, laughing, frowning and some even yelling. He envied them a little. They were all so alive, even the angry ones…and he had a hard time feeling anything but guilt and fear.

“Keep the sun covered and no matter what happens, don’t use any magic,” Garrett said. “There were Templars in the streets the other day. Fenris and I can handle it if anything happens.”

“Don’t get off the horse either,” Fenris said as he climbed off.

He handed Anders his pack and he hugged it to his stomach. A spike of fear went through him but he nodded, frowning slightly. Fenris walked next to him with Thunder trotting along slightly ahead. Garrett stayed close to his other side and Anders focused his sight between his horses’ ears. He could see enough to avoid obstacles but not much else. That suited him just fine. he really didn’t want to ever see another Templar. 

They wound their way through the city and a nervous dread settled in the pit of his stomach. Cumberland was home to the largest Circle of Magi after all. There were bound to be Templars. Probably a lot of them after what he’d caused in Kirkwall.

When they stopped, Anders didn’t notice. He kept his gaze steady between the horses ears, gripped the reins tightly in one hand and clutching his pack with the other. Anders didn’t see Garrett dismount and hand his reins to Fenris or their concerned looks. He couldn’t hear their quiet conversation over the crowd and the blood rushing in his ears. There were Templars here. They wanted him back…he couldn’t stop them last time.

He did feel the hand on his leg and began shaking his head whispering, “No…don’t…please.” Anders tried to brush it off but found only the sharp talons of Fenris’ gauntlets. The sharp pain cleared his terror fogged brain a bit and he looked down and finally heard Fenris speaking.

“…lm down. You’re fine.” Anders shook his head. “Yes, you’re all right.”

Anders felt something being wound hastily around his hand. He could only sit in the saddle and shake. Dropping the reins, he hunched over his pack and closed his eyes. Feeling someone behind him on the horse made him cringe until he heard Fenris again, speaking quietly in his ear.

“I won’t let them take you. Keep your eyes closed. I’ve got you, you’re safe.”

Nodding slightly, he felt Fenris’ arms around him and he felt safe, still terrified, but safe. Fenris held onto him with one hand and they began moving again. Anders kept his eyes shut and slowly his terror ebbed away. Fenris wouldn’t let them. Garrett wouldn’t let them. They began moving faster but he didn’t open his eyes.

The sounds of people had been replaced by the sounds of the forest. He was mostly asleep by the time they stopped for lunch. Blinking, he looked around and realized he had no idea where they were at. There were trees and the road they were on not far away. After he was helped down, Garrett wrapped him in a tight hug. His voice was shaking when he spoke, almost a whisper, next to his ear. “I’m so sorry, love.”

“Garrett,” Anders said. “It’s all right.”

“No it’s not. You aren’t ready,” said Garrett, his voice still shaking. “We won’t take you to another big city until we reach Weisshaupt. I’m so sorry.”

“Garrett,” he said again pushing slightly away so he could see the rogue’s face. “It’s all right. You won’t let them.”

“No,” Fenris said from behind him. “We won’t let them take you.”

With Fenris behind him and Garrett in front of him, he was wrapped in their love and he knew he’d be all right eventually. They would help him, protect him. He was safe.


	10. Chapter 10

The long days of boring travel bled together only to be broken up by his half remembered nightmares. Anders usually woke with Garrett’s arms around him, feeling safe but uneasy from the dreams he tried not to think about. They were still traveling west. In order to avoid Tevinter completely, they would turn north at a crossroads not far away from Val Royeaux. From there it was almost straight north to Weisshaupt.

They did see travelers along the road. Most were headed west, away from the unrest in Kirkwall. Garrett kept them well away from these little knots of people and Anders was rather glad. He wasn’t sure if he could face them, couldn’t answer their questions if he was recognized. When they were around others, either on the road or in a village, Garrett and Fenris had begun calling him Blondie. 

It made sense, his name carried weight now but it wasn’t a good kind of weight. Varric’s nickname wasn’t well known like ‘Anders’ was. He didn’t mind, it reminded him of happier times…less complicated ones. Nights spent at the Hanged Man or fighting bandits on the coast, healing refugees in Darktown while Garrett waited patiently for him to finish.

Hearing Fenris call him Blondie was a bit strange. He had been ‘mage’ for so long from the broody elf it had taken a while to get used to being called Anders on occasion. That little pet name, usually spoken in fond annoyance after Garrett had got them all together, was perhaps more dangerous than his name. Not only had he made life worse for apostates, technically he wasn’t a mage anymore. He was supposed to be Tranquil. But since he wasn’t actually Tranquil…he wasn’t entirely sure what he was anymore.

Garrett and Fenris spoke with him constantly. The more he spoke, the easier it was to participate in their conversations. He was always included whether he wanted to be or not. It was simply easier to humor them sometimes. Anders didn’t have much of a desire to converse, just like he still didn’t have a desire to eat. Eating what was given to him was better than worrying them and speaking with them made them feel better.

Sometimes speaking with them made him feel better too, like when he told Garrett about one of his nightmares. Or when Fenris had asked him again why he wouldn’t heal his leg after he’d healed the slashes on his hand from Fenris’ gauntlets. It made him feel a bit better because Fenris had understood, sort of. Anders didn’t want a broken leg, but he felt it was his duty to bear it. A duty to all those slain that night that could never be healed and after all this time, it was probably better to let it heal on its own anyway. 

Physically, his leg and the brand on his forehead were the only visible things left behind from the Templars that horrible night. There were a few scabs on his arms from the few cuts he’d received and they would probably scar but his sleeves covered those most of the time. It was the wounds you couldn’t see that plagued him still.

The fear that it might happen again, that Garrett and Fenris would die defending him and it would happen all over again. The loss of Justice, the guilt he felt over his actions that he didn’t understand anymore. A fear that his magic would be discovered and that he’d be branded again.

Besides these feelings that had become his normal state, Anders discovered himself to be a little irritated with Garrett and Fenris. He was pretty sure neither of them had had sex of any sort since his capture. Anders was beginning to realize if you talked less you saw more. The heated glances Garrett and Fenris shared sometimes were a little obvious.

He was glad they had waited. They cared for him and didn’t want him to be uncomfortable, didn’t want to cause him any more stress. This he understood and he was grateful but despite everything that has occurred, Anders still cared for them. Just because his own sex drive was understandably nonexistent at the moment didn’t mean that they should both become celibate for his sake. They could still fool around with each other without involving him in anyway. 

Garrett had given up so much for him. Fenris came with willingly even though he would be in more danger being so close to Tevinter. It was a small thing, but important enough to him that they didn’t sacrifice anymore than what they already had for a ghost of the man he used to be. He wasn’t sure how to bring it up though.

As they set off this morning, Anders set to gathering his courage. He had decided that Fenris’ direct approach was probably best. Garrett was behind him today, riding the brown horse Garrett had begun calling Malcolm. As Fenris became more familiar with the horses they had begun trading with each other. Fenris rode the black horse, Garrett had named him Carver, but he was close enough to hear even though Anders couldn’t bring himself to speak very loudly. Thunder trotted ahead of them, chasing smells and the occasional rabbit like a puppy.

It was quiet and they had the road to themselves for the moment so Anders took a deep breath. “Garrett,” he said quietly. The arms around his waist tightened for a second and he continued before he could lose his nerve. “Why haven’t you and Fenris had sex?”

“That’s…love that would be…” said Garrett, clearly flustered.

“Inappropriate,” Fenris finished.

“Just because I don’t want to, doesn’t mean that the both of you shouldn’t,” said Anders.

“Anders, we don’t want to…bring up any unwanted memories,” Garrett said.

“I know,” Anders said putting his free hand on top of Garrett’s arm. “But…I won’t mind.”

The sounds of a wagon coming around the curve just ahead of them cut off anything else that might have been said. When conversation began again after the wagon had passed, Fenris moved them to a different subject. A safer subject and nothing more was ever said on the matter.

Two nights later however, Anders opened his eyes suddenly. Woke from a sound sleep by darkspawn dreams, Anders never thought he’d be grateful for one of those. The fire had mostly died out but he could see that Fenris wasn’t in front of him and he couldn’t feel Garrett behind him. Without moving, he looked around at what he could see and listened.

The corners of his lips turned up for the briefest of moments when he realized they were both behind him, moved away so he wouldn’t be disturbed. He lay there sleepy but awake and listened to their soft moans and grunts. In the past, he would have turned to watch…probably stroking himself, gaining pleasure from their pleasure. He wasn’t interested this time. It was enough to know that they believed him that he didn’t mind. Sleep didn’t claim him again until Garrett’s arms were once more securely around him though.

In the morning Anders said nothing about what he’d heard during the night. Garrett and Fenris didn’t say anything either but both of them seemed less tense. They smiled easier and their conversation over breakfast was light and almost happy. It reminded him of mornings before and he was mostly sad that he had taken that away. The easy smiles and light teasing as they ate breakfast at Garrett’s estate before they went their separate ways, it was something he didn’t realize he missed. The morning meal now was often quiet and there were more worried frowns than happy smiles.

But there was a small part of him that was pleased. Even though he had no desire to participate, it was another small bit of normal returned to them. It was his fault they were on the run again. Garrett had promised to come with him before the Templars had caught him. Anders didn’t get a chance to speak with Fenris but where Garrett went the elf was always at his side. They had given up much…but it almost made him happy to give them such a small part back.

Their almost happy mood persisted throughout the morning and Anders kept mostly quiet. He didn’t want to see the worried frowns but he answered their questions and tried not to think about passing through Orlais.

It was looking like another typical boring day of travel when Thunder came running back at them barking and jumping. He turned and raced the way he’d come, stopped turned back and barked several times before racing off again. Garrett, who seemed to understand what Anders saw as nonsense, frowned and kicked Carver to race after the Mabari.

“Keep up,” Fenris said from behind him. “Something is wrong.”

Malcolm struggled to keep up with Carver, burdened with two people, but they rounded a slight curve in the road and came upon an overturned cart. Anders could hear the cries of someone trapped under it and the pleading of the woman trying to push the cart off. Carver slid to a halt and Garrett threw his reins at Anders. He jumped off the horse as it danced nervously and added his strength in trying to push the cart off of the person trapped under it. Anders held the reins of both horses now, watching, unsure how he should feel.

“Remember,” Fenris said quietly in his ear. “Weapons can only kill, you can choose.”

Anders looked back but he was already off the horse and hurrying over to lend his strength as well. Between the two of them, the cart was pushed off and they began clearing things off of the person that had been trapped. A child…dear Maker he was only a child. His mother was frantic, the child was hurt badly. Garrett focused on them but Fenris turned back to him.

I can choose, Anders thought. “I…I can help,” he said quietly. Fenris smiled as he hurried back. “I can help?” Anders said again turning the statement into a question.

“Yes you can,” Fenris said. He helped Anders off of Malcolm and held the reins as he made his way over to Garrett and the two strangers. 

“I can help,” Anders said touching Garrett lightly on the shoulder as he leaned on the pole.

Garrett looked up at him for a second and turned to the woman. “My friend is a healer,” he said in a soothing voice. “Will you allow him to help your son?”

Tears flowed down her cheeks as she nodded frantically holding the boy’s upper body on her lap. Still standing, leaning heavily on the pole, Anders held his hand out already glowing with the soft blue light of healing. He closed his eyes and concentrated on the spell and the boy’s wounds, weaving the same spell that he’d saved many others with.

The boy gasped and Anders let the spell end but kept his eyes closed. He wavered on his feet but it wasn’t because of tiredness or drained mana. Hands at his shoulders steadied him but still he didn’t look. Anders was afraid to look…afraid that the child was still hurt or dead.

“Mama,” he heard. The voice was soft, afraid and questioning.

“Oh thank you!” This voice was loud, feminine and relieved.

Still he was afraid, Garrett’s voice in his ear, calm, soothing and…proud. “Open your eyes love.” Anders shook his head. “Yes love, see what you’ve done.”

“I…can’t,” Anders whispered. “What if…”

“He’s fine,” Garrett whispered. “You’ve saved him.”

Anders shook his head again. “I can’t…”

“It’s all right,” said Garrett stroking down his cheek lightly. “I’m going to turn you around and you can walk back to Fenris okay?”

Anders nodded and felt himself being turned. Opening his eyes a little he saw Fenris ahead and hurried to him. Fenris was smiling but his voice was hard and demanding. “You need to look. You need to see that you can still help.”

Still scared, but trusting Fenris, he looked back over his shoulder. The boy was sitting up, holding onto his mother. She held him like he was precious. Anders turned back to Fenris. He was still smiling but said nothing more. He’d healed the boy, saved him. He had helped not hurt but he didn’t understand why Garrett and Fenris seemed so proud of him. One life couldn’t possibly make up for all he’d taken…but perhaps it was a start.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this chapter took so long. I got blocked then disgusted with it and was continually surprised by how many hits it was still getting. Many thanks to my wonderful readers. =)

What little animation the Mage had gained fled the closer they got to the Orlesian border. He spoke less and the one emotion he displayed consistently was fear. Anders was little more than a breathing doll in front of Fenris as they rode today. Fenris worried about this backslide in behavior constantly.

He knew Hawke was worried as well but neither of them knew what to do about it. The closest Hawke had come to a plan was to press forward quickly. Hoping that once they passed out of the home of the Chantry and into the wild wastes of the Anderfels that he would come out of the deep depression he was in. To this end, Hawke was pushing them hard.

The border wasn’t that far away now but Fenris worried that it might be closed off. There were rumors of such things happening all over in the last village they passed through. They had passed into Nevarra soon after that terrible last night in Kirkwall, too soon for anyone to know what was really going on. It was entirely possible that they knew what direction they were headed in now and had somehow sent word ahead to wait for them. Or the country leaders could just be being cautious. It was even possible they wouldn’t meet anyone.

Fenris doubted the last option. There was too much uproar, the destruction too recent for the borders not to be guarded at least. Anders might be broken but he was far from stupid. He had to have figured this out but why he was shutting down again was a mystery. Perhaps Hawke was right and the sooner they left Orlais behind the better.

They crested a hill and he felt Anders stiffen in front of him. Fenris looked over his shoulder and cursed softly. At the bottom of the hill there were guards stopping travelers and searching possessions. Among them were two Templars, the flaming sword on their breastplates very visible on this dreary day. Next to them, Fenris heard Hawke curse as well.

“Keep going,” Hawke said softly. “It will look suspicious if we turn around now.”

Fenris nodded but there was no reaction from Anders. The couple in front of them was let through after a thorough search of their packs and a few questions. He schooled his features neutral, a trick that had served him well as a slave.

“Is there a problem?” Hawke asked when one of the guards approached them.

“Get down please,” the guard said. His accent was light but clearly Orlesian. “All travelers are being searched as a precaution.”

“Searched for what if I may ask?” Hawke said stepping off the horse.

“Surely you’ve heard of Kirkwall,” the guard snorted.

Hawke frowned but handed his pack to the guard and said nothing. Another guard approached them as Fenris slid off of Malcolm. He motioned for Anders to dismount as well but the Mage was distressingly quiet. He simply held his hand out for Fenris to help him down. When he was on the ground, leaning on Fenris for support, one of the Templars walked forward quickly.

“Those are Kirkwall mage robes, no?” said a feminine voice. He voice was muffled from the helmet she wore and her light accent also Orlesian.

Fenris tensed subtly and saw Hawke reach for a hidden dagger. Before either of them could do anything however, Anders spoke. Fenris tried to keep his shock hidden. It was his voice…flat…dead…tranquil.

*

“Yes Ser,” Anders said.

Garrett froze in shock, trying his best not to show it. They were the first words he’d spoken all day and it was nearly half gone. He’d been near silent for at least two days now, since the overturned cart. Anders had been getting worse since then and Garrett worried that they had pushed him a little too fast but after hearing the flat monotone of those two words an entirely new worry surfaced.

“You are an escaped mage then?” the Templar asked reaching for her sword.

“No Ser,” Anders said in that same flat tone. He reached up and pulled the red strip of cloth down around his neck. “I am Tranquil.”

The Templar straightened when the sun branded into his forehead was revealed. She turned to Garrett and asked almost angrily, “Why do you travel with Tranquil?”

“Didn’t you see his leg?” Garrett said letting his own anger pour out. “He was beaten and raped by those monsters before we got to him!”

She turned back to Anders and said, “Is this true?”

“Yes Ser,” he answered. His voice didn’t shake, Garrett couldn’t detect any fear and his worry grew. “Before the brand I was severely beaten and raped by several of Kirkwall’s Templars. These two gentlemen took me away and nursed me back to health.”

“You should come to Val Royeaux with us. We will take care of you,” she said taking a step forward, towards him arm outstretched.

Garrett saw Fenris tense and he edged closer to Carver. The Templar stopped suddenly when Anders next spoke. “No Ser,” he said in that same dead voice. “Tranquil are not required to stay at the circle. I would rather remain with these two.”

He waited to see how she would react. Fenris was ready to strike and so was he. They were _not_ going to take him away again.

*

Inside, Anders was terrified. He was careful not to show it, Tranquil did not get terrified. His stomach rolled sickeningly in his gut but he kept still. If she came any closer Anders didn’t think that he could keep from shaking. Maker, please just go away, he thought.

Her arm dropped but he was not relieved. Anders would only be relieved when they were behind them. Her fellow Templar came up behind her and she turned to the faceless suit of armor and they spoke quietly together. He began repeating ‘go away’ over and over in his head but he kept still, kept his face neutral.

Fenris edged him subtly closer to Malcolm. Anders forced himself to loosen the grip he had on the horse’s reins and they talked on. The other guards had fanned out behind the Templars and some had their hands on their weapons already but they were all ready for a fight. His gut lurched and rolled until Anders was sure he was going to throw up but still they spoke.

The first Templar, the woman, finally turned back towards Garrett. “What is your destination?” she asked.

Anders held himself still and forced his breathing to stay even. “The Anderfels,” Garrett replied shortly.

The tension in the air was thick and Anders pleaded with her to let them go inside. They were Templars…but there had been enough death. “Why do you go to that barren waste?” she asked instead.

He held in the whimper that wanted out. “Because it’s far from Kirkwall,” Garrett replied hotly. “Because I’d rather take my chances with darkspawn and Wardens than anymore Templars! Because if I don’t get away from you and your sick brethren I just might finish what that Anders fellow began!”

“There was no call for your people to abuse him so,” Fenris snarled. “Made Tranquil because he resembled the mage who started all this madness after being beaten and raped repeatedly.”

She finally took a step back at their verbal onslaught. “You’re complaints will be taken to the proper authorities. But you should…”

“Did your authorities do anything to stop Meredith’s madness?” said Garrett angrily taking a threatening step forward. “If it weren’t for the Champion the whole circle would have been killed for actions they had no part in! What makes you think they’ll care about one abused mage?”

Some of the guards had pulled their weapons and the ones who didn’t were ready to. Anders’ stomach churned madly and he swallowed, trying to keep calm. Keeping his fear from showing was growing difficult but he managed to keep his voice that even monotone all Tranquil had. “Please let us pass. They will not allow you to take me. I am no danger.”

Her eyeless gaze once more focused on him and he clamped his mouth shut as his stomach lurched again. He kept his own gaze focused on her and tried to keep his terror bottled inside. The Templar that hadn’t spoken so far stepped forward next to her.

“Put your weapons away,” a muted masculine voice said. “I am sorry your friend has suffered. Be on your way quickly.”

Garrett snatched his pack from the guard and started off on foot leading Carver. Fenris handed him his stick and took the reins from him. Anders limped after him as quickly as he could with Fenris following behind. He suppressed a shudder as he passed the Templars.

When they were all out of sight around a corner, Anders finally lost the battle with his stomach. Bracing himself on a nearby tree he leaned forward as his gut sent up everything he’d eaten. He felt Fenris rubbing the small of his back as he stood there and trembled violently. Garrett was beside him now and Anders straightened slightly, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

“Are you all right?” he asked quietly.

Anders shook his head and leaned on him. “Please,” he said his voice small and laced with terror. Anders was unable to articulate his need to get away but Garrett and Fenris exchanged a look. They got him on the horse and with Garrett holding him with one arm and the reins with the other they set off at a fast walk. He leaned back slightly, gripping the saddle horn with one hand and clutching at Garrett’s with the other, he squeezed his eyes shut as tears began rolling down his cheeks.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still find it amazing how many of you are still reading this one. I'm happy but surprised. =)  
> I've been blocked on this for a while now but after writing an angsty Anders/Merrill minifill I found some inspiration. Hopefully it won't be quite so long between this chapter and the next.

They didn’t stop until well after nightfall. Anders was weary in body, mind and spirit. Garrett and Fenris had been focused on getting as far from the Templars as they could. It left Anders to at least try and order his scattered thoughts. Terror only scratched the surface of what he’d felt. They had brought it all back…the pain…the humiliation…but that hadn’t been the worst. The silence inside…the hole Justice had left…Anders thought he’d been getting used to it.

It had been necessary to act like the Tranquil that he might have been. If the Templars had thought he was a mage then he would have been taken again after Garrett and Fenris were dead. He had faith in them, they had defeated dragons, but there were too many of them and he didn’t know if he was capable of fighting anymore. To preserve life, it had been necessary…but it had reminded him of why it was an act in the first place.

He couldn’t stop the bitter tears that followed. Anders felt empty again when they had finally dried up and he spent the rest of the afternoon lost in that emptiness. It was their heated words that had brought him back. Garrett’s rage and Fenris’ quiet fury on his behalf. Playing along with his ruse, even though they had to have been shocked and terrified that maybe the brand had worked after all.

Anders began thinking of his years in Kirkwall. Garrett’s kindness and even love to the man he had been. Fenris’ venomous hatred that slowly became fond over the years. He thought of the selfish imp he’d been before Justice and the Wardens and was suddenly unsure which version of himself he hated more.

What would have become of him without this terrible experience? Did it even matter? Justice had left him empty and part of him would always grieve for his closest friend. But perhaps it had been a gift as well. It was a chance to fill the emptiness inside with something else…but what? The terror Templars inspired now was no better than the hate they previously had. Now, like then, he was unable to stop it.

He looked away from the flames of the small fire when he felt Fenris touch his shoulder. Anders took the bread he held out and frowned deeply. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly.

“For?” Fenris asked.

“Scaring you,” Anders said feeling a sudden need to explain. “I was terrified…for all of us. It…was all I could think of.”

“It’s all right love,” Garrett said sitting next to him. “I can’t imagine what it took to keep that up. You saved a few lives today but we’ve been worried about you.”

“I’m sorry,” Anders said again looking down at his lap. “I…couldn’t…so scared…” He took a deep shuddering breath as Garrett pulled him close with an arm around his shoulder. “I didn’t mean to worry you.”

Fenris placed his hand on his thigh and said, “We only wish to help. Talk to us.”

Anders nodded as he handed the bread back to Fenris. “I’m sorry…I’m so tired,” he said.

“It’s all right,” Garrett said. “Go ahead and rest.”

He scooted back a little and lay on his side, hoping the dreams would spare him as he closed his eyes.

***

They were outside a village and he waited with Fenris on the outskirts while Garrett continued on. He wore a pair of Garrett’s trousers and one of his shirts. The green robes he’d been wearing had been turned to ash at Fenris’ insistence. Both of them had been adamant, the robes marked him as a mage so they had to go. The trousers were tight around his splinted leg but not completely uncomfortable. Anders still wore the soft soled shoes that he’d been given in Kirkwall though.

He didn’t know what had happened to the clothes he’d been wearing when he was caught. It was a little surprising to discover that he didn’t really care what had happened to them. They were part of a different life now. A life full of questionable decisions that he had to live with and still wasn’t sure how exactly to do that. He knew that his guilt, along with the grief, would always be there. But if he wanted to fill that emptiness, he’d have to come to terms with it. He was hoping that someone could help him clear the confusion.

“You seem different,” Fenris said suddenly from beside him. “You seem more…present.”

When they waited at the edge of villages Fenris normally waited on the ground beside him and Malcolm. It was such a hassle getting Anders off and on the horse that he simply stayed put. As he looked down at the elf now, he saw curiosity as Fenris studied him. A little uncomfortable at the scrutiny, he shifted slightly in the saddle and leaned forward. Running his fingers through the horse’s mane he asked, “What do mean?”

“You’ve been…distant,” said Fenris. “Like…bah. I can’t explain.”

Anders thought a moment before speaking again. “I’ve been so frightened since…that night,” he said quietly. “Of everything. My dreams are terrifying and confusing. I feel empty…numb. I don’t even know what I am anymore.”

“What you are?” Fenris asked in confusion.

“Am I still a…” Anders said looking down at him not quite able to finish his sentence. He touched the red strip of cloth that covered the brand on his forehead. “Or…Tranquil.”

“That mark means nothing,” said Fenris. “You are what you have always been.”

Anders shook his head. “Justice and I were so intertwined…two parts of a whole. When they…burned him out…it feels like half of me is missing. The silence inside scares me…I was so sure…but now…I’m probably not making any sense.”

Fenris looked uncomfortable for a moment before he looked toward the village. “I’m not sorry it’s gone. I do not wish to argue…but I feel you’re better off without it. Perhaps Hawke…”

Anders touched his shoulder lightly and offered him a small but sad smile when he looked back up at him. “You’re probably right. I look back and…it’s hard to believe what I’ve done. It still hurts though.”

“You are different,” said Fenris smiling. “This is more than you’ve spoken at once in weeks and the first time you’ve smiled since that night.”

“I’m tired of being nothing but a burden,” Anders said with a shrug. “I don’t like the empty feeling…but I don’t know how to fill it.”

“One step at a time love,” Garrett said as he pulled the reins to stop Carver in front of them. “You’ve been through so much. It’s going to take time but you’re making progress.”

Again, Anders was struck by the depth of their love. They were both willing to put up with him, as broken and confused as he was. Both were willing to risk the wrath of the Templars for him and there was Sebastian and his vow of vengeance. The small ray of hope that had sustained him so far grew brighter. He didn’t come this far on his own, their patience and support had given him a life line.

“Do you think you can handle coming into the village?” Garrett asked. “We can get warm coats and I found a shop that sells boots but we need to make sure we get a pair that fits properly.”

Anders nodded, unsure if he could handle it or not but the Anderfels were cold and desolate. They would need warm clothing. He wasn’t scared like he’d been in Cumberland. There was no circle here but there was a Chantry. There would be Templars and they might be looking for him but if he didn’t draw attention to himself they might not notice. He was glad they had insisted on burning the robes. His hair was longer and with the head band hiding the sun brand it was left down. These small things would hopefully keep him from being recognized.

Garrett turned and he followed without looking around much. He concentrated on keeping calm. Fenris’ hand on his knee helped. They stopped at the boot shop first and he was helped off of Malcolm. The inside was warm and cozy. Anders didn’t make a fuss and he stayed quiet, letting Garrett talk to the shop keeper. The boots they bought were soft leather with hard soles and would protect his feet from the cold. He followed Garrett silently without looking around and tried to be patient as warm coats were bought along with a pair of thick wool socks for Fenris.

Their last stop in the village was for supplies. This was the last true village they would come across before reaching Weisshaupt. Anders was still slightly concerned about the Wardens. He had abandoned them. Would they be willing to take him back now? With the price that was surely on his head he was doubtful. They had to go somewhere however.


	13. Chapter 13

There was little time to enjoy his renewed hope or attempt to figure out how to fill the emptiness. Simply surviving the harsh landscape of the Anderfels took most of their time. Soon after leaving the village behind them the trees became sparse. Clumps of tough looking grass replaced the vegetation. Outcroppings of rock could be seen on the desolate windswept land and there were mountains on every horizon.

Garrett kept them moving north, abandoning the road they had been following when it turned west. The larger rock formations became havens from the cold wind. They would huddle behind the rocks underneath their blanket as close together as they could get to keep warm. Even Thunder slept with them, most often as close to Garrett as he could get. Meals were eaten cold and in the saddle, all of them preferring to keep moving while there was light. A pot of tea, heated with magic, when they finally stopped for the night was usually the only warm thing they ate.

The days ran together as they moved steadily north. Anders had completely lost track of how long they had been out here and had no idea how much longer it might take. This was the land of his birth but he didn’t remember much of it. What he did remember of his childhood before the Tower was a small village of farmers and herders in Ferelden.

Fenris, who had been sitting behind him most of the time, had noticed a while ago that they were being followed. It had begun as a small plume of dust that had gradually gotten bigger. They hadn’t varied their routine, riding from sunup to sundown, but whoever was following them was traveling faster than they were.

As if being followed and the dreary landscape weren’t enough, there was also someone ahead of them. It was impossible to tell if the group ahead was going in the same direction and they were catching up to them or if they were riding towards each other. Anders thought that they would meet the group ahead before the group behind caught up. They didn’t speak much on who might be following them. Whoever it was must have wanted something from them badly to follow them through this barren land instead of taking the easier route through Tevinter.

The one person that Anders could think of who might be that desperate to catch them, he really didn’t want to see. Out of necessity, Garrett and Fenris had left a clear trail out of Kirkwall. Since Cumberland, they had all tried to be a little more discreet but the trail they left would still be clear to someone who knew what he was looking for. If Sebastian hadn’t left for Starkhaven right away, he’d know of Anders’ capture and he would know who had stolen him away from the Gallows.

The rumors that Garrett heard in towns about the Tranquil who’d escaped Kirkwall, who may or may not have been the mage who destroyed the chantry, only made him worry. Cullen wanted him back and it was entirely possible that the group behind them was full of Kirkwall Templars. Anders couldn’t decide which option was worse.

Trying to shake off the gloomy thoughts was hard. The grief and guilt he had yet to deal with upset him enough. The idea that Templars might be back there, the very ones that had beaten and violated him, nearly made him freeze in terror. He decided that he’d much rather it was Sebastian following them. At least he didn’t make Anders feel like a child who was terrified of darkspawn under his bed. In an effort to not drown in his sorrows completely, he began watching the growing dust trail ahead of them.

As they got closer to the person ahead he began to feel the taint within whoever it was. He wasn’t surprised. The Anderfels was home to the largest concentration of Grey Wardens in Thedas. Anders wished he felt as confident as Garrett did that he would be accepted. There would be no avoiding the person ahead of them. If Anders could feel him, then he probably knew there was a Warden ahead of him.

“A lone rider?” Garrett said in astonishment a while later.

“It looks like we’re traveling towards each other,” Fenris said.

“Fenris,” Anders said quietly, he still couldn’t bring himself to speak very loudly. “The person ahead of us is a Grey Warden.”

“Hawke, let’s stop over there,” Fenris said pointing to a rather large rock formation towards the right ahead of them.

Garrett nodded and they veered over to it. It took a little longer to reach it than Anders thought it would. The tall rocks stood in a semi-circle blocking most of the wind and it looked as if this area was a commonly used campsite. Towards the back there was a ring of rocks and the remains of a fire. Fenris slid off and helped Anders down. He made his way to the back as Garrett led the horses to one side of the small open area where there was a patch of grass and a convenient spot to tie their leads to. Anders sank to the ground as Fenris and Garrett spoke quietly not far away.

Thunder made his way over to where Anders leaned against the rocks, his pack in his lap. The tired Mabari lay next to his outstretched left leg and rested his large head just above Anders’ knee. He watched Garrett and Fenris talk while running his hand slowly along Thunder’s side, waiting to see what they would decide.

Fenris moved away as Garrett walked towards him. He knelt beside Anders, frowning slightly. “We think the person ahead of us should be here in a few hours. Fenris and I think it would be better to stay here and let them come to us. Will you be all right here by yourself while we find something that will burn?”

“Will you let Thunder stay with me?” Anders asked a little apprehensively.

“Of course,” Garrett said. “He looks a little worn out.”

“We’re all worn out,” Anders said. “I’ll be fine.”

Garrett smiled tightly and kissed his forehead. He patted Thunder’s side and stood, turning to the direction Fenris had left in. Anders pulled his coat tighter around him and settled in to wait.

***

The fire they built warmed the rock enclosure enough to be comfortable without huddling under their blanket. Fenris stood by the horses watching the mysterious Warden’s progress. Garrett stayed with Anders and they were preparing their first hot meal in what felt like ages. Anders knew the person was close now but he concentrated on the simple stew.

“Be ready,” Fenris said quietly.

Garrett stood immediately and grabbed his bow and a single arrow. He placed himself between Anders and Fenris, the arrow resting on the string and stood ready to draw and fire at a seconds notice. Thunder sat up next to him and stood, watching and waiting. Anders stayed where he was and waited.

Fenris stepped away from the horses, closer to the middle of the opening as a horse came around the rocks. The rider was small, wearing the blue and silver armor of the Grey Wardens, a staff visible over one shoulder, dark red hair drawn up in a bun revealing pointed elven ears, and all too familiar large violet eyes. She, Anders had no doubts about who this Warden was, dismounted and stood directly in front of Fenris.

“Let me talk to him,” she demanded.

At one point Anders might have cringed upon hearing that voice. Now however, she would just have to wait in line. She looked ridiculously small next to Fenris but her gaze was hard and demanding. Fenris didn’t move.

“Who are you?” Garrett asked cautiously.

“Neria Surana,” she said turning to face him. “I have to know if the message was correct.”

“What message?” Fenris said as Garrett said in shock, “The Hero of Ferelden?”

She frowned in irritation and tried to look around Fenris. “The message we received from some of our people in Val Royeaux about a man and an exotic looking elf traveling with a Tranquil from Kirkwall. The fuss you two put up created quite a stir among the mages in Val Royeaux. I have to know if that Tranquil is Anders.”

“No Commander,” Anders said only loud enough for her to hear. “I’m not Tranquil.”

Surana pushed past Fenris and hurried past Garrett but stopped short. The low growl from Thunder stopped soon after she did and Anders smiled, small sad and short lived. Garrett sat next to him, his bow across his lap.

“Anders,” she said sounding shocked. “What happened to you?”

“After you deserted us?” Anders asked bitterly. “Nothing you’d care about.” The bitterness that welled up inside of him was surprising. The hurt look that passed briefly across her face was not satisfying at all now when it might have been not that long ago.

“I didn’t desert anyone,” she said frowning.

Fenris sat on Garrett’s other side and both of them watched her warily. Anders frowned as he looked up at her. She had saved him from certain death. They had killed the Architect and then the Mother but after that, she had left to check on sightings of one her old companions that had disappeared during the darkspawn siege of Denerim.

“Yes you did,” he said quietly. “The bastard they put in your place made our lives miserable. All he saw was a murderer, a drunk, a traitor’s son and a walking corpse. Velanna and Sigrun disappeared shortly after you did.”

“Oghren and Howe toughed him out,” Surana said sitting cross legged on the ground where she stood. “What happened with you and Justice?”

“Oghren and Nathaniel didn’t have a Templar dogging them day and night. Justice offered a way out and I took it. Now he’s gone too,” Anders said leaning back on the rocks.

“What do you mean he’s gone?” she asked with a confused look.

Anders sighed before he replied. “I merged with Justice and we fled to Kirkwall. Things happened and when the Templars caught me after Meredith was defeated they…beat and raped me…then they did this.” He pulled off the cloth, revealing the sun brand. Surana frowned and he continued after a moment. “It destroyed Justice instead of severing my connection to the Fade.”

“I think I should know exactly what happened in Kirkwall,” Surana said, her frown deepening.

“This isn’t a good time for stories,” Fenris said. “While we sit here Sebastian grows closer.”

“I’ll tell you everything,” Garrett said. “But I want to be safe inside of Weisshaupt before I do. If it is Sebastian following us, he won’t stop. I doubt that trick Anders did with the Orlesian Templars will work on Cullen and it could just as easily be him back there too.”

“Cullen?” asked Surana. “Cullen from the Tower? That Cullen?”

“He was transferred to Kirkwall,” Anders whispered.

“Oh Maker,” she muttered softly. “If you seek shelter with the Wardens I can make sure you get it. There might be a price however.”


	14. Chapter 14

Fenris didn’t like her much. He liked the talk of prices even less. Anders had already paid a heavy price and from the little bit he’d heard of his days in Amaranthine, the Mage might have paid that price more than once. He didn’t speak much of his time before Kirkwall. He’d overheard a conversation Anders had had with Isabela once, about how he missed being selfish. Fenris couldn’t help but wonder if he still felt that way.

Since they had waited for her, she had taken over their little party. Fenris was fairly certain Hawke didn’t like her either. She was abrupt, often abrasive and expected her orders to be followed but there was something about her. An aura of determination and a strange loyalty to Anders even though he’d hardly spoken two words to her since that first day. Anders didn’t seem irritated with her but he basically ignored her. That brief hurt look at his accusation was her only response besides exasperated sighs at his obvious refusal to acknowledge her.

Her presence hadn’t changed Anders much. He was no longer the compliant breathing doll he’d been before their encounter with the Templars. The faraway look he’d had since Kirkwall had been replaced with a searching one. There were more emotions he displayed besides fear and guilt, concern, sadness and every once in a great while a brief happiness. His smiles were sad and they never lasted long but Fenris considered each one a victory.

*

Garrett wondered if all Grey Wardens were as businesslike as Surana was. She had taken over leading them almost instantly. After their meal they had slept and she had been the one to wake them the next morning with the sun still mostly below the horizon. They were on the horses shortly after and she had set out without even looking back once to see if they were actually following. After seven years of leading the little group of outcasts he’d collected in Kirkwall, being brushed off so quickly and efficiently grated on him badly. There was little choice but to follow her, however much he didn’t like it. Surana knew where they were going better than he did.

There was little time for talk or questions. She was driving them hard enough that Garrett worried slightly for the horses. He didn’t think it was going to matter how fast they traveled the people behind them were going to catch up before they made it to Weisshaupt. Telling her that had made little difference and had only added to his growing ire with the little elf.

He wondered constantly about what had happened between her and Anders. His refusal to acknowledge anything she said to him might have spoken volumes with Anders as he had been. As he was now, there was just no way to know what he was thinking or feeling. Garrett thought that she didn’t like this silent treatment from him at all. He was the only one of them that she tolerated this from, however.

Garrett was happy with the progress Anders had made and was very glad that traveling with his old Commander didn’t seem to be making things worse. He didn’t speak with Surana at all but he spoke more than he had with Fenris and himself. Since their run in with the Templars, that same night at the fire, he participated. Even after he’d gotten past one word answers, conversations with Anders had felt forced. He was always quiet but it was thoughtful, less frightened and more cautious when he did speak. Anders seemed less like a true Tranquil and more like a man. A very sad one, but even that was better than the empty stares that he woke to some mornings.

His dreams were as horrible as they had been however. Sometimes he still woke in the middle of the night shaking, crying and trying to brush something off. As close together as they slept now, Garrett was surprised that he didn’t wake Fenris on some nights. All Garrett could do, was hold him and whisper comforting words. Garrett didn’t know if he remembered the dreams, he’d stopped asking. He was sure some of them were remembered but there was little time for talk lately.

Garrett didn’t know how much longer it would take to reach Weisshaupt but he was becoming more certain that Carver and Malcolm might not make it that far without a rest of some sort. He wasn’t an expert on horses but they had carried them faithfully since Cumberland and both of them seemed more than a little tired. Even the gentle, stoic Malcolm was becoming irritable.

He pulled on the reins and Carver stopped almost immediately. “Hey!” he yelled to Surana who was a short distance ahead of them. Anders stopped Malcolm between them as Surana looked back. Garrett dismounted while she watched and led Carver forward, stopping next to Anders and Fenris.

“What are you doing?” Surana asked turning her horse.

“I think the horses need a break,” Garrett said determined to get her to see some reason. He knew that the people behind were catching up and stopping or even walking would let them catch up quicker. They would catch up just as fast if the horses dropped dead from exhaustion.

“We can’t stop now. If we keep this pace we’ll be there in a few days,” she said.

“I’m not suggesting we stop. These two have been going since we got them on the other side of Cumberland a little less than a month ago. We can lead them while we walk for a while,” said Garrett reasonably. “We can switch Anders to your horse.”

“What about them?” she said pointing to the large dust trail behind them.

“Killing the horses isn’t going to help us deal with them,” Garrett said sternly.

“It looks as if they’ll catch us anyway,” Fenris said sliding off of Malcolm. “We could pick a spot and meet them on our terms.”

“Turn and face the tiger,” Anders said slowly.

She sighed but dismounted. “I was hoping to avoid them. Distance can be deceiving out here.” Surana led her horse back to them. “Let’s get this done so we can get to the next rock formation.”

It took a more than a few minutes to get Anders on her horse but they were soon walking, each of them leading one of the horses. Anders didn’t protest any of it but he did look worried. Garrett hoped there would be time to talk to him soon.

*

Anders didn’t think he was ready for a confrontation with either Sebastian or another group of Templars. Sebastian would probably demand his life. He had been so furious when Garrett and Fenris wouldn’t kill him. Even then he’d understood that Elthina had been very important to Sebastian but with the evidence piling up she still had done nothing. She could have stopped Meredith but she had chosen not to. It was part of why he picked the Chantry. Sebastian would never understand and Anders couldn’t explain anyway. Actions that had seemed right then, he now questioned.

He hadn’t been prepared to see Surana again either. It was too easy to lay the blame for everything at her feet. If she hadn’t left, Rolan wouldn’t have gotten away with most of the things he had. He wouldn’t have felt as pressured and might not have accepted Justice’s proposal and his life might have taken a very different turn.

Justice may be gone but it seemed he’d left his mark on Anders permanently. He couldn’t lie to himself and place the blame on her, no matter how much he wanted to. It was his decision to join with Justice. No one had held a knife to his throat. Everything that had happened since was his burden to bear…not hers.

He wasn’t ignoring Surana to be petty or vindictive. It was simply too much, too easy to lose himself in that ‘what if’. Too easy to fall back into the emptiness only with a generous helping of bitterness to go with the grief and guilt, so he acted like she wasn’t there. It only half worked, but it was enough until they could get somewhere safe and he could work out all these confusing and conflicting feelings.

Anders tried to push all of it aside. None of this was going to help if it came down to fighting. He didn’t know if he could bring himself to cast any of the offensive magic he knew but he could still heal. There were plenty of defensive spells he knew that would keep his lovers and his Commander alive. They were all in this mess because of him and he would help them in whatever way he could. He hoped it wouldn’t come down to fighting though…he didn’t want any more deaths on his already overloaded conscious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm no expert on horses but the poor things have been going nonstop for quite a while. Logic dictates that they have to be seriously worn out. If I've gotten something wrong I apologize now.


	15. Chapter 15

They made it to the next rock formation with only a few hours to prepare. The horses were tied to one of the rocks and Anders leaned against the tall rocks not far from them. He was completely hidden behind the ‘L’ shaped rocks. Garrett stood not far from him, half hidden by the rocks, bow drawn and arrow knocked. Fenris stood further out, sword drawn and ready, only a small step over the rocks in front of him. Thunder, standing tall and proud next to Fenris, was ready to charge at a moment’s notice. Surana stood boldly in front, facing the Templars.

Anders couldn’t see them, didn’t want to see them. He could see barely restrained anger from Fenris. Garrett was grim but calm. It wouldn’t take much and both of them would lose the tight hold on their need for vengeance. These Templars, Kirkwall Templars, led by Knight-Captain Cullen could be some of them that had captured him that night. He didn’t know who they were, didn’t want to know, they all looked the same in the armor. Anders doubted he would ever know who or even how many had assaulted him that night. He didn’t want to know. He wanted them to leave. It was bad enough to relive that horrible night in his dreams.

“What do you want?” Surana asked calm and authoritative.

“Where is Anders?” asked Cullen also calm.

“He’s no longer your problem,” she said tersely.

“He is Tranquil and belongs in the circle where he can be watched,” Cullen said.

“Never!” Garrett said vehemently. “You validated everything he has ever said about Templars! I wanted to believe that all of you weren’t as vile as Alrik. I guess I was wrong.”

“Did you enjoy breaking him before you branded him?” Fenris sneered.

“I ordered the Rite of Tranquility,” said Cullen angrily. “I did _not_ order him to be beaten and raped beforehand.”

“Save it Templar,” Surana said darkly. “You allowed it to happen.”

“You didn’t stop it then,” said Garrett dangerously. “I won’t let it happen again. If you value your life, leave now.”

“After all you’ve seen, how can you continue to protect them?” Cullen asked heatedly. “A mage killed your mother and kidnapped your sister.”

Anders closed his eyes for a moment then pushed away from the rocks. He didn’t want to face them. There was no way he could remain calm and trick them like he had the Orlesians but he couldn’t remain silent. He was scared but he was also angry.

Garrett was still as Anders moved next to him, so that he could see Cullen and the four other Templars. After seeing the fear and anger warring for dominance on his face, Cullen’s eyes widened in shock. “We are _people_!” Anders said passionately, his voice shaking with emotion. “You didn’t stop Karras, you didn’t stop Alrik and you didn’t stop them! If you knew I was being raped and did nothing you’re just as guilty! How many more mages have to suffer before you realize that we hurt just like you do?”

“How is this possible?” Cullen asked in confusion. “I know you were branded.”

“Why is that all you care about?” Fenris asked angrily. “Did you hear nothing he said?”

“What happened to you Cullen?” Surana asked quietly. “The man I knew would never have let a mage suffer like Anders has…even after Uldred’s bullshit.”

“You helped us fight Meredith,” Garrett said calmly. “You let us walk away. I know you can be reasonable. Turn and leave.”

“I wasn’t aware of what happened until after it had already occurred,” Cullen said coldly. “The participants have been reprimanded. I don’t have the power to destroy a city in a fit of pique. You and every mage like you are dangerous.”

Anders leaned on the rocks in front of him and tried to control his shaking. The anger was fading as the Templar’s hard look passed over each of them. His gaze lingered on Anders for a moment before coming to rest on Surana. Anders didn’t flinch but was positive Cullen could see nothing but fear. Fear for himself, for Garrett and Fenris, Surana and a fear that the fighting would never stop.

Fear that there would always be people so afraid of what they didn’t understand. Fear that mages would always be oppressed and abused. A terrible fear that maybe he had made things worse when all he wanted was to make it better.

“He’s coming with us,” Cullen said.

“No,” Surana said shaking her head. “He isn’t. Anders is a Warden and my friend. I wasn’t there when he needed me…but I won’t let it happen again. Leave now Cullen.”

Tension was thick in the silence that followed her words. Anders took a shaky step back from the rocks and tried to forget all of his fear for the moment. He didn’t want to fight but he would. If they took him, Anders knew it would happen again and again. No matter how many reprimands Cullen gave them there would always be Templars willing to risk it.

“You’ve done enough,” Garrett said suddenly. “Leave.”

“Last chance,” Fenris said with an air of finality.

From years of watching them fight, Anders knew Garrett was a breath away from releasing the arrow. Fenris was another breath away from charging. Thunder growling, back legs tense and ready to spring. Even Surana, determined, silver armor gleaming in the fading sunlight, stepped back and set her feet. Her staff held defensively in front of her and it seemed like no one dared to breathe.

The breeze continued to blow, ruffling his loose hair and kicking up dust. Surana stared at the Templar a few paces in front of her, determined, loyal to those she called friends, willing to risk the wrath of the Chantry for him. Cullen stood in front of his men, still as a statue as he stared at Surana, a woman he might have loved had things been different. The clank of armor as the other Templars shifted nervously behind Cullen.

“If I ever see him without a Warden escort,” Cullen said calmly, breaking the silence but not the tension. “I will apprehend him. Word will be spread amongst the order and there will be no more tricks. Keep your Warden leashed or we will do it for you.”

With a last cold glance at him, Cullen turned and pushed through the men standing behind him. Anders let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. He tried to turn but his legs would no longer hold him and he began to fall. Closing his eyes, he tried to brace himself and felt strong arms around him instead.

He was lowered to the ground and Anders opened his eyes as he curled into Garrett’s embrace. Fenris knelt next to them and carefully took his hand. “Brave or foolish?” Fenris asked with one corner of his mouth quirked up.

“Aren’t they usually the same?” Anders asked quietly.

“I think so,” Garrett said affectionately. “It’s always been one of your more endearing traits.”

“I’m not brave,” said Anders shaking his head.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Surana said from above them. “That was more like the Anders I knew.”

“I don’t like him very much,” Anders said looking up at her. He looked back at Garrett and frowned. “How many others like Cullen did I create?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Fenris said. “What’s done is done.”

“It will be a long time until we know exactly what will come of Kirkwall,” Garrett said gently. “How many people will hate me for defending the mages? How many will use my name as a rallying cry for the same thing? You can’t please everyone, love. Believe me I’ve tried.”

“You can’t run from this one Anders,” Surana said.

Harsh words spoken gently and Anders struggled to sit on his own. He’d spent his entire life running from something. Running wouldn’t fill the emptiness Justice had left him with. It wouldn’t deal with the fear and grief. If he ran now it would be straight into Cullen’s grasp where there was nothing but pain and shame until they branded him again and then there would truly be nothing.

Anders took Garrett’s hand, looked up at Surana and smiled. “I won’t run,” he said quietly.


	16. Chapter 16

Life, Anders thought, is full of firsts. There were expected ones, your first step or your first word. There were unexpected ones too, his first fireball and his first stay in a dark enclosed space. Some of his firsts were remembered fondly, his first love or the first time he’d saved a life. A lot of his firsts he didn’t want to remember, the first time he had killed another, the first darkspawn and his first corrupt Templar.

This wasn’t the first nightmare he had had or the first time he’d had this particular nightmare. It wasn’t the first time he lay awake after Garrett had gone back to sleep, held in a slightly awkward embrace while he pressed his face to Garrett’s chest. Nor was it the first time silent tears rolled slowly across his temple to collect in his ear.

But it was a first, the first time he truly wished the brand had worked the way it was supposed to, cutting him off from the Fade and severing the horrible nightmares that still plagued him night after night. The first time he wished for the darkspawn nightmares to return and give him some respite. He had expected this nightmare after facing five Templars but that hadn’t made it any easier to deal with.

Anders wondered if Garrett was as tired of this as he was. Always Garrett, even with Fenris pressed against his back for warmth, it was always Garrett he woke with thrashes and quiet whimpers. Garrett who whispered soothing words to him and held him until the shaking stopped, sometimes long afterwards as well. He was grateful for the chance Justice had given him but he was tired of the constant nightmares.

That night was a first he hoped would be the only time, but dreaming of it made it feel like the first of many. It was always the same, a retelling of those few hours that were the worst in his life. Anders hadn’t had the strength to stop them. Silenced and drained of mana Justice could not help him. He couldn’t even protest. Not the slightest shake of his head with a gauntlet clad hand pulling his hair so that they could violate his mouth as well as his arse. He clutched at the furs Garrett wore and buried his face deeper into them. Even though he was sleeping, his arms tightened around Anders for a second and it was comforting.

Garrett was soft cotton underneath warm leather. He was soft flesh over hard muscles and concerned eyes that sometimes glistened with unshed tears over another’s pain. It was the warmth Anders craved from their touches. Even Fenris with his clawed gauntlets would have been comforting in the darkness, while he was trying to shake off the remembered feeling of their cold steel.

Anders hadn’t told either of them exactly what had happened after he’d been caught. He didn’t really want either of them to know. They had both known, however, without Anders ever saying that he’d been raped that night. Perhaps this was a first that needed to happen. Talking with Garrett about the Chantry dreams had helped. They didn’t disturb his sleep nearly as often as they did in the beginning.

As logical as it seemed, Anders still found himself reluctant. He wasn’t an expert but he had helped plenty of rape victims. He knew that healing the physical wounds was easy but there were always wounds that couldn’t be healed with a spell. Was this dream the blood that flowed from his unseen wounds? Would simply talking about it truly help? How could he possibly tell either of them?

Anders spent his waking moments trying to forget, to sweep it under the rug. But this dream reminded him of it constantly. There were other things that made him remember what he didn’t want to. Such as when he woke in the night with Garrett’s hand resting innocently on his hip. It didn’t panic him like the first time but he couldn’t sleep until that slight weight was gone.

He took a deep breath, inhaling the musty smell of the fur that tickled his nose and tried to push past the fear that always accompanied this memory. By trying to forget, he was running from it and he was truly tired of running.

Garrett’s arms tightened around him again and he was dimly aware of movement at his back. Anders felt Fenris’ hand on his shoulder and realized he was trembling again, whispering the word no over and over.

“Shh,” Garrett said quietly. “You’re safe.”

After a moment Anders said, “It’s not that…the dreams.”

“Would it help to talk about them?” asked Garrett.

“I…don’t know if I can…it’s so…” said Anders said as he shuddered.

“When you’re ready Anders,” said Fenris softly.

Anders pushed lightly on Garrett’s chest and he scooted away without releasing him. He shuffled onto his back so that he could see both of them. “I don’t think I’ll ever be ready,” he said and began his tale anyway.

It was hard at first, speaking of anything that happened that night. Once he began it grew easier. He started with the Templar‘s attack and didn’t stop until they had come through the door. He spared them the details that haunted his dreams but told them enough to explain the humiliation and shame that came along with the dreams.

They were all tired and the sky in the east was a little less dark when he finally finished. Both of them had listened patiently and he waited for them to speak, looking at the lightening sky because he was afraid of what he might see if he looked at them. He understood in that moment of silence why he hadn’t wanted to tell them. The fear he felt wasn’t all because of the Templars. He was afraid of seeing disgust, terrified of the rejection that would surely follow.

“Anders,” Fenris said. He was surprised at the tightly controlled anger he heard in that one word. “Please understand…I need some time.”

There was a gentle touch at his cheek and Anders turned to him. There was no reluctance to his gentle caress but Fenris radiated fury. Anders knew it wasn’t directed at him or even because of him. The sad pleading in those deep green eyes was at odds with his tense body. Fenris was angry on his behalf. He was furious at the things that had been done and perhaps, for not being able to prevent it, angry with himself. Anders nodded and within seconds Fenris was gone.

“I’m so sorry love,” Garrett whispered from beside him. “I’m not sure how I can help.” His voice was sad, almost grief stricken, and there were tears. Anders knew Garrett blamed himself for what had happened but he didn’t see it as Garrett’s fault. They couldn’t have known Anders would be overwhelmed so quickly and he wanted to comfort him as much as he wanted to be comforted.

“Just…hold me,” Anders said rolling towards him.

There was no hesitation as Garrett folded him into the awkward embrace that had become familiar. Part of the fear he felt fell away, he was still wanted. He hadn’t realized just how terrified he had been of losing either one of them. How scared he was of being found unworthy, soiled by something he couldn’t prevent.

He knew it wasn’t the end of his dreams or the fear. But there was hope as he burrowed into Garrett’s embrace, pressing his face once more into the soft fur. As the sun peeked over the horizon the sleep that had eluded him since Garrett had woken him from that awful nightmare finally claimed him.


	17. Chapter 17

Rage…the sick hate that had been instilled in him by Danarius, hatred for all mages that Hawke had diminished but not completely gotten rid of. Fenris felt it welling up inside of him the longer Anders had spoken, directed not at the mage but at his attackers. Another group of people corrupted by a different sort of power, taking what had not been offered by force.

He had known. The abuse was obvious to someone who had seen it and been through it. Knowing had been bad enough but hearing it had been somehow worse. Fenris had stayed for Anders even though he hadn’t wanted to hear it. The mage had needed to purge it from his mind, an attempt to stem the nightmares that still plagued him. He knew about them, Anders did wake him. Hawke was better at comforting him than Fenris ever would be so he let the rogue do it.

His rage served no purpose, it never had. It couldn’t stop the things Danarius had done to him and it wouldn’t help Anders. Fenris didn’t know how to help the only mage he’d come to care about and it only added fuel to the fire. As long as the furious anger held him he’d never be able to help. Vengeance had gotten them here and Anders clearly wanted no more killing.

Fenris hadn’t gone far, just to the other side of the rock formation where he could be alone but close enough to help them if needed. He sat against it, legs crossed with his hands resting lightly on his knees. Closing his eyes, he created a single flame in his mind and focused most of his attention on it. It was a trick Hawke had taught him when the wine became ineffective and destroying the mansion he lived in unsatisfying.

If it took all day to feed his rage to the flame then he would do it. Anders needed him calm.

*

Garrett couldn’t sleep even though he was exhausted. His mind supplied him with details Anders had left out. Long after the mage’s breathing had evened out and the fingers clutching at the fur coat he still wore finally relaxed, Garrett was awake trying to banish the images his mind kept supplying him with. Each one was like a fist in his gut or a knee in his groin with two words across each image. _My Fault_.

If only he hadn’t left him. He should have stayed with Anders. Those Templars had to have followed them out of the Gallows that night to have caught him so quickly. His presence might have given them a reason to pause, to seek out some other mage. If he’d have only sent Fenris back sooner or had gone back there himself.

But it was his entire family all over again. If he’d been quicker Carver wouldn’t have died. If he’d only taken Bethany with, she wouldn’t have been caught. If only he’d searched that foundry more thoroughly the first time he could have saved his mother and Alessa. Despite all of his accomplishments it was his spectacular failures that he remembered the clearest.

At least Anders, like Bethany, was still alive. She had seemed happy in the circle and he hoped that she was happier with Isabela on the Waking Sea. It was a small comfort that Anders didn’t blame him. That Anders sought comfort from him was a greater balm. He wasn’t sure what Anders needed but Garrett was determined not to fail Anders again. He would be ready for what may come and would give the mage whatever he did need.

*

Anders woke slowly, stretching after noticing Garrett wasn’t holding him. He rolled onto his back and rubbed his eyes before he opened them. The sun was high overhead and his rest had been peaceful. Garrett was sitting next to him, eating some of their dwindling rations and giving pieces of them to Thunder. Garrett looked over at him as he sat up. Anders smiled and Garrett returned it, offering him some of what they had left, which he took gratefully. Fenris was still absent but Surana sat on a rock not far from them.

“He’s awake,” she said testily. “Can we leave now?”

“Not until Fenris gets back,” Garrett said matching her tone.

He watched them stare daggers at one another, wondering if there was something he could do to ease the tension between them. Anders hadn’t expected to ever see Neria Surana again but there was a reason he’d compared the two of them.

He’d known her at the tower, Irving’s star pupil. She seemed hard and uncaring then but there was a very loyal heart of gold under her tough exterior. By the time he’d met her again in Vigil’s Keep she was a leader. The slayer of the archdemon, ended the shorted blight in history, gathered an army that had started out with two Wardens and an apostate. She had done what everyone said couldn’t be. If that tough exterior had thickened, it had been out of necessity.

Garrett won people over with patience and reason. He was charming and honest but he was a natural leader. Anders didn’t think anyone else could have gathered the diverse group of people that Garrett had. Not only had he gathered them but he’d kept them together despite several wildly different views on everything. He had braved the Deep Roads and not only survived but had come out on top. Saving Kirkwall from the Qunari had been no small feat and saving Kirkwall’s mages from Meredith hadn’t been either.

Trouble followed them both but they gathered people like moths to a flame. They inspired loyalty from the most unlikely people. Each of them did what they thought was right and damn the consequences. It wasn’t at all surprising to him that they didn’t get along with each other very well. As the moth that had been drawn in by both of them, Garrett after Surana had disappeared, he was in a unique position to smooth things over.

Anders before Justice might have made a sarcastic comment. Got them both smiling and laughing. Anders the abomination might not have cared, seen it as another distraction. As he was now, Anders had no idea how to cut the unwanted tension between his commander and his lover. So he sat and watched, secretly hoping Garrett would win the contest of will and feeling a touch guilty for it.

They were still glaring at each other when Fenris came around the far side of the rock formation. He looked much calmer than Anders remembered from this morning as he sat next to him. Surana smiled as she stood. A small hard smile, that didn’t reach her eyes. Garrett frowned and stayed seated. She moved to the horses without a word.

“We are leaving?” Fenris asked quietly.

“I guess so,” Garrett said still frowning. “We still walk,” he added loudly after a moment.

Her only answer was a sigh. Anders hoped that the rest of the journey wouldn’t be this tense. With the Templars that had been following them gone there was less to worry about. It would also mean that Garrett and Surana had more time to test each other’s patience.

Their campsite was cleaned up quickly and he was soon on top of Surana’s horse with Garrett and Fenris leading their horses next to him. Mountains loomed close in the distance and he also hoped that the rest of the journey wouldn’t take long. He sort of wished they hadn’t come. He was stuck with the Wardens now…whether he liked it or not. Anders hoped this price she had spoken of earlier had nothing to do with Garrett or Fenris. 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait. I keep losing the thread on this one. =/

Their first glimpse of Wiesshaupt was still from a great distance. Giant dark spots could be seen in the mountain behind the walled fortress. Anders thought they were probably the openings to the places where Griffons were housed, unused since the Griffon’s had died. The ground had begun a gentle slope up and all they could see of the fortress itself were the walls surrounding it.

Anders couldn’t help but liken it to a prison. Knowing that it was meant to keep darkspawn out instead of mages in didn’t really help much. The closer they came the more nervous he got. He wasn’t sure if it was all the people that would be inside those walls, the walls themselves or what had happened to him in the last prison he had been in.

After Cumberland, Garrett and Fenris had taken him around the major cities and villages that they had come across. He’d done well in the last village before venturing out into the wasteland that was the Anderfels and had faced the Templars that had been following them. Perhaps it wasn’t the people, they might simply throw them outside the fortress walls and they would be no worse off.

Perhaps it was the brand on his forehead making him so nervous. It wasn’t too farfetched to think that he would be made a prisoner so that they could study him. He was a contradiction now after all, a mage who had survived the process of Tranquility with his magic and emotions intact. Anders could only hope the First Warden would accept his explanation like Surana had.

The walls of the fortress grew to fill their vision as the day progressed and shortly before nightfall they stood in front of a pair of enormous doors. Surana spoke to the grim sounding guard and moments later they swung open. Anders still sat on top of Surana’s horse but Garrett and Fenris walked beside him.

He kept his attention on the horse under him, it was bad enough that he could hear the residents the further in they went. All around him people spoke in a language he barely remembered. He could feel their eyes on him and he jumped when Garrett put a hand on his knee.

“It’s all right,” he said quietly.

Anders gave him a small strained smile and closed his eyes, telling himself it would be all right. When they reached the main fortress he was helped off of the horse and a stable boy led them away. Surana led them through the hallways and the Wardens they met along the way all saluted her. She led them up stairs and through the stone passages before finally stopping at a door.

She knocked and after a moment he heard a male voice inviting them inside. The office they were in was sparsely decorated. Shields hung on the walls to the side and a tapestry, depicting a fierce battle, hung behind the desk. Seated at the desk, wearing his nightclothes, his arms folded across his broad chest, dark hair that was greying at the temples and cropped short was the First Warden. His full beard that was more grey than black, did nothing to hide his deep disapproving frown. Sharp green eyes evaluated their little party within seconds and his gaze rested on Surana.

“This is the warden?” he asked in a deep rumble.

“Yes First Warden,” Surana said plucking at his sleeve. Anders reluctantly moved beside her.

“Remove the headband,” the First Warden commanded. Anders pushed up the red material and held it loosely, letting his arm fall back to his side. The First Warden looked at the sun brand for only a second before turning back to Surana. “What use is a Tranquil Warden?”

“There are extenuating circumstances Ser,” said Surana. “He has been branded but he isn’t Tranquil.”

“He looks like any other Tranquil I’ve seen,” he said shortly turning back to Anders. “Prove it.” Anders held out his hand and produced a palm full of fire. The First Warden merely raised an eyebrow. “Explain.”

Garrett stepped up beside him. “I can explain Ser,” he said.

For an hour they stood in that office while Garrett talked. He told a shortened version of the events leading up to the destruction of the Chantry in Kirkwall and a very brief version of what had happened after. Anders was nervous but the First Warden listened quietly and intently. When Garrett finished, his gaze turned back to Anders.

“You abandoned your post in Amaranthine, started a war and now you seek shelter among us?” he said calmly.

“Ser I…” Garrett started but at a glare from him, he fell silent quickly.

“I haven’t really been in a frame of mind make any sort of decisions,” Anders said swallowing nervously. “After…this…” He touched the brand on his forehead and fell silent.

The First Warden stood after a moment of silence and walked to the door. He stepped outside and they were left there for several minutes. When he came back there was another warden with him. “Get this man to the infirmary,” he told the other warden brusquely. “Find him a proper uniform too.”

“Yes Ser,” she said. Her gauntleted hand reached for him and Anders shied away from her nervously.

“Can Garrett or Fenris come with?” Anders asked his voice surprisingly even despite the way he trembled inside.

“I have things to discuss with these three,” the First Warden said harshly. “You will follow orders warden.”

“Yes Ser,” he said quietly. With a look back at them he followed the nameless warden through the fortress, slipping the headband back across the brand.

Surrounded by strangers, Anders kept himself as calm as he could. He sat quietly while the healer examined his leg and removed the splint. Hours passed while the healer examined him thoroughly. After he had been declared fit he was shown to a room with four beds. Warden armor sat upon three of them and Surana sat on the fourth. She motioned him forward silently.

Anders passed the first bed. Fenris’ sword and a suit of armor fit for a warrior sat on top of it. He paused, staring at the sword and fear gripped him. Their packs sat between the first and second beds. On the second bed a suit of armor fit for a rogue and Garrett’s bow and quiver lay atop the plain brown blanket. Every trace of his weariness disappeared as the fear settled in the pit of his stomach. He forced himself forward to the third bed. A fine looking staff sat on it as well as a suit of armor that matched what Surana wore perfectly.

“I told you there would be a price,” Surana said softly. “Don’t worry, they’re both alive.”

“No,” Anders said sitting heavily on the bed across from her. “How could you…where are they?”

“I’m going to be leaving on a secret mission soon,” she said. “I’m going to request the three of you in my party.”

“Where are they?” Anders repeated louder than before.

“If they aren’t still passed out I imagine they’re in the cafeteria,” she said standing. “This way.”


	19. Chapter 19

Surana walked quickly and Anders struggled to keep up with her. His leg had been declared healed but after putting his weight on it sparingly for so long it was weak. The warden armor on those beds coupled with their weapons had put a fear in him that would not be satisfied until he saw both of them alive and well. Everything else was secondary.

He kept her dark red hair in sight, paying no attention to the path they had taken from their room. Finally they ended up in what was probably the largest room in the fortress. Long tables were aligned in neat rows, benches sitting an appropriate distance from either long side. He could see wardens lining up at one end of the great hall and there were also some scattered among the tables.

Surana slowed and pointed. Anders followed her silent directions then pushed past her, walking a little faster than was probably wise. They were both alive and he pressed his lips together to hold in the sob of relief. He swiped a few tears from his cheeks before he dropped onto the bench between them.

“Thank the Maker,” Anders whispered. “Please say it’s not true.”

“We weren’t given much choice, love,” Garrett said bitterly giving him a brief one armed hug.

Fenris snorted and shook his head but remained silent. He did give Anders’ arm a brief squeeze before he resumed eating. Anders closed his eyes and took a deep shuddering breath as he leaned back against the table. Coming here was looking more like a bad idea every second. There was safety, but the cost had been too high.

“Why?” asked Anders quietly as he looked at Garrett.

“Stay with Fenris for now,” Garrett whispered close to his ear. “We’ll have to talk later. Right now Surana is going to show me where they took my Mabari.”

“He’s probably in the kennels,” she replied from behind him. “He made a fuss when you fell over. The First Warden probably won’t like him running around free.”

“I don’t much care what he will or won’t like,” Garrett said harshly. “Thunder is _not_ going to spend the rest of our time here in a tiny cage.”

It was a tone of voice that Anders had rarely heard from him. He looked over at the rogue to see his mouth set in a grim line and his eyes hard and furious. Whatever he and Fenris had been coerced into, Garrett was furious about it.

“This wasn’t my idea,” Surana said coldly. “I defended you and your right to stay with him. He needs you two more than he needs any stability the Wardens can provide.”

“What’s done is done,” Fenris said calmly.

Anders turned his surprised gaze on Fenris. His features were carefully neutral but Anders could see the rage smoldering in his eyes. “What’s going on?” he asked.

Fenris touched his arm lightly and shook his head a fraction. “Do not think us ungrateful,” he said after a moment. “But your…Commander…left us with no choice.”

“I know,” Surana said softly. “Come with me.”

Garrett squeezed his shoulder and stood, taking the two rolls from his plate with him as he followed Surana out of the cafeteria. Anders watched them leave feeling more confused than ever.

***

After a brief nap and another brief meeting with the First Warden, Anders found himself wearing the armor that had been left for him and back at the infirmary. He still wore the red sash despite the blue length of cloth he had found among the armor. The First Warden had noted it during the brief meeting but had said nothing. Even though he found the armor uncomfortable, he supposed he could get used to it. The makeshift headband that had begun its life as a belt was the one thing Anders had no plans on giving up.

The staff that had been provided for him was strapped to his back as he worked and it might have been easy to pretend that he was somewhere else. Somewhere more familiar like his clinic in Darktown or even Vigil’s Keep. So far he had been given tasks that weren’t much different than what he’d done almost every day in Kirkwall.

It was the absence of Justice that made pretending impossible. It was Thunder’s constant presence at his feet, the way the Mabari growled when anyone approached him. Before the Chantry’s destruction, before that awful night in the Gallows, Anders hadn’t really gotten along very well with Thunder. He simply didn’t understand dogs. Thunder had mostly been pleasant enough before but now he seemed as protective as Garrett and Fenris. He had been left multiple times during their journey to Weisshaupt at camp with only the Mabari for company. One of them was never far away but his presence had been comforting then and it was definitely appreciated now. Anders thought it possible that he was simply following Garrett’s whispered orders before they had been parted again but all it took to calm the beast was a light touch to his head.

Fenris had refused to say anything with so many people about. When Garrett and Surana returned there was enough time for his brief nap before going to see the First Warden again. Garrett had put his armor on with no fuss but Fenris didn’t. Despite being trained as a warrior, his fighting style didn’t mix well with heavy plate. Anders thought that was only part of the reason that Garrett and Fenris were now being put through their paces.

Anders had been sent back to the infirmary. His skills were being put to use in the best way possible. Even though this was the longest he had been parted from them since they had taken him out of the Gallows, Anders thought he was doing a fine job of remaining calm among so many strangers. Thunder helped immensely. The Mabari had created a clear space around him, alerting him when someone was near despite how far away his mind wandered. His current task was potion making, partially because of Thunder, but that suited him just fine. Anders was certain he could make potions in his sleep and it gave him some much needed time to think.

He knew that he would be told what had happened, probably that night when it was bedtime, so he tried not to worry about what Garrett and Fenris had been pressured into. Instead he tried to sort out his confused feelings. He started with his grief and the sense of loss he still felt without Justice. Fenris had said that he was better off and the horrified part of him agreed. But Justice had been his friend. It had been his anger that corrupted the spirit and aside from his death, that was what hurt the most.

Anders and Justice hadn’t seen eye to eye when the spirit had been trapped inside the corpse of Kristof. They hadn’t agreed on everything even after they had joined but there had been a goal, something that was worthy of their attention, ending the suffering and oppression of mages. He knew what mages suffered even before the worst of it had been done to him.

Throughout his years in Kirkwall, Anders had tried many things. The Mage Underground and his manifesto being only the most obvious but nothing had worked. People either didn’t care or were too set against him for a few reasons. Sebastian was a good example of how brainwashed most devout believers in the Chantry were. He simply refused to see the evidence Anders had put before him. The blood mages who ran rampant in Kirkwall were another major reason no one would listen.

An act of desperation, he would make them pay attention. Turning the Chantry to ash hadn’t seemed like a good idea then and it really didn’t now. Had it been Justice’s influence that had prodded him to go through with it? Or had it been the anger and hatred he harbored for all Templars that had allowed it?

After struggling with it for most of the day, Anders decided that it had to be both. Without Justice he might not have had the courage to do something so drastic but without the hate and anger he might not have even thought of it. The blame couldn’t be placed solely on Justice. He had known the death toll would be horrible but he hadn’t expected it to be half as bad as it really was. Anders’ life had been spared but the dead had received their justice anyway.

The spirit was gone but Anders was still alive. As he walked slowly back to their quarters that night he was satisfied that he could miss the friend that Justice was and grieve for him as such. There was a bit less guilt as well. Because he had determined that the spirit wasn’t entirely at fault, it was a little easier to be glad he was gone.


	20. Chapter 20

The incessant hunger was driving him crazy. Fenris was no stranger to the concept of going hungry. It had been Hadriana’s favorite way to torture him. One of the good things about Kirkwall and Hawke was he didn’t ever have to go hungry. Even before he started eating most of his meals with Hawke and Anders at the estate, Hawke always made sure he had plenty of coin to buy food with. It was extremely irritating that with food so readily available he always seemed to be starved. He honestly had no idea how the Mage got by with eating so little. Even now with his safety assured he picked at his plate. Most of the other Wardens weren’t wolfing their food like he and Hawke were but they were eating more than Anders was. The hunger wasn’t the only annoying thing he was now forced to get used to however.

Fenris knew Anders could feel darkspawn through the taint. He also knew that Anders was able to feel other Wardens the same way. What he hadn’t expected was the nasty way it felt. It hadn’t started right away but he was unprepared for the almost greasy feeling he got whenever another Warden passed by. That would surely only get worse.

Another annoyance was the uniform. The First Warden hadn’t been happy with him when Fenris had showed up this morning in the same armor he’d worn since Danarius had commissioned it for him. He hadn’t been nearly as upset when he saw exactly what Fenris could do. In fact, Fenris didn’t like the greedy calculating way the First Warden had watched him. It was bad enough that they had been forced into becoming Wardens in the first place but Fenris had no intentions of becoming this man’s, or anyone else’s for that matter, secret weapon.

The armor that had been pieced together for him was a mix of mage and rogue armor. The tight trousers from the mages armor and everything else from a rogue set. The gloves he could get used to but he absolutely refused to wear boots of any sort. His armor was carefully stored in another pack they had gotten and placed in his quarters with all the rest of their things. Fenris couldn’t wait to leave, even if it would be to the Deep Roads, so that he could store this blue and silver get up.

*

Garrett wondered if the First Warden was gloating over his newest acquisitions, the Champion of Kirkwall and his lyrium ghost. After watching Fenris impress him, the First Warden had him shooting arrow after arrow at the target for nearly an hour and a half. Fenris had been sent to the armory and Garrett had to sit in his office with Surana waiting for Fenris and orders.

He was just as angry with the little elf as he was with the First Warden. She had to have known this outcome was a possibility. The only good thing he could see coming from this was that Anders would always have a Warden escort. After he had fulfilled his end of this bargain, he planned on disappearing with Fenris and Anders. Anders had managed to avoid them for seven or eight years. There was no reason the three of them couldn’t evade them as well.

One other good thing that might come of this, depending on how fast Surana acted, was that they could evade Sebastian as well. Nothing had been heard of the Starkhaven Prince but the people here didn’t have much reason to care about him either. If he manages to take back his lands then he will be noted as a new ruler and not much else. The First Warden is disturbingly nonchalant about the possible threat Sebastian poses.

As they walk back to their quarters, Garrett hopes that Surana is still busy. He still has to tell Anders why they were forced into drinking that foul substance and what their immediate future will be. Now that he is also a Grey Warden, at least he won’t have to worry about contracting the blight sickness anymore. The Deep Roads still offer plenty of danger however.

Garrett, Fenris and the one other who’d survived their joining had been warned of the increased appetite, the Calling, and the nightmares. He had already known of the nightmares and the Calling thanks to Anders. Considering how little Anders ate now he was hopeful that the hunger would at least calm down after a while. He wasn’t looking forward to the nightmares. Fenris had shrugged off the bad dreams, telling him later they couldn’t possibly be any worse than the ones he already had on occasion.

When they finally got to their room, Surana was mercifully absent. Fenris closed the door behind him and leaned on it as Garrett and Anders sat on one of the cots. Thunder jumped up on one of the empty ones and proceeded to make himself comfortable. Garrett sighed as Anders looked over at him. He hoped that this bit of bad news wouldn’t cause Anders’ behavior to backslide.

*

“What happened after I left Garrett,” Anders asked quietly.

“He was going to separate us,” Garrett said bitterly. “Since we did such a fantastic job of _letting_ you get captured and raped, he didn’t think we’d be a good influence or some nonsense like that.”

“Letting?” Anders asked in confusion. “Garrett you can’t believe that! This is my fault…”

“This isn’t your fault,” Garrett said putting a hand on his knee. “If there’s blame to be placed it should be put on me. I shouldn’t have left you.”

“Garrett…” he began. Anders fell silent when Garrett squeezed his knee and shook his head.

“His plan was to leave you here in the fortress and Fenris and I would have either been sent away or sent to the fields, to protect the farmers. Surana was livid,” continued Garrett. “I believe he wanted us out of the way.”

Anders hunched over and clasped his hands tightly in his lap. He felt the mattress dip on his other side and knew it was Fenris. This had been one of the things he had been dreading, becoming an object of study simply because the Rite of Tranquility had failed somehow. In this area the Wardens would be no better than the Templars. They used whatever means necessary to prevent the blights and not all of them had decent morals.

“We were given a choice,” Fenris said quietly. “Join or get out.”

“We weren’t told the joining could kill us,” Garrett said. “We only found out after one of the other people died.”

“I’m sorry,” Anders whispered.

“Don’t be,” Garrett said reassuringly. “We’re all still alive and I don’t plan on staying here so he can subject you to Maker knows what to find out why you’re not Tranquil.”

“He’s not going to let me go,” said Anders shaking his head sadly.

“Do not worry Anders,” Fenris said confidently. “If we have to sneak you out you _will_ be coming with us when we leave.”

“Where are you going?” asked Anders trying to remain calm.

“We, love,” Garrett said calmly. “You’re coming with no matter what but I don’t think you’re going to like our destination. I agreed to lead Surana to that ancient Dwarven Thaig where we found that damn idol. Afterwards, Surana has agreed to look the other direction while we disappear.”

Anders closed his eyes and frowned. The Deep Roads would be his very last choice of refuge but it was better than being studied. “How long will we remain here?” he asked.

“We’re not sure,” Garrett answered quietly. “Surana’s trying to get him to agree to let you come with. You’ve been there plus you’re a gifted healer. Howe’s group might not have been wiped out if they’d had you along. There’s a good chance the First Warden will see reason. They want whatever’s down there very badly.”

He sighed and straightened. It was no wonder Garrett was furious. That place had brought him nothing but trouble. Anders knew it wouldn’t be easy for him or them but the sooner they left Weisshaupt the better. He wouldn’t mind knowing exactly what had happened to Justice and how he had been spared. Perhaps one day he could figure it out himself but until then he had no desire to let someone else poke and prod.

“Let’s get some sleep,” Garrett said as he stood.

It didn’t take them long to shed armor and put it on the stands that had been provided. Fenris took the bed that was closest to the door and with Thunder sleeping on the third one in, that left Anders and Garrett on the second cot. It was a tight fit but Anders didn’t mind. He was just glad to have Garrett behind him and Fenris not far away. Things could have been much worse after all.


	21. Chapter 21

The next few days passed much like the first had. Garrett and Fenris were off doing whatever they had been assigned to and Anders was sent to the infirmary. Thunder went with Anders and he had been set to making more potions and poultices. The morning of the fourth Surana, who’d been sleeping on the fourth bed, came into his corner of the infirmary about two hours before his lunch break. Instead of growling, Thunder nudged his leg.

Anders looked down at him in confusion for a moment then at Surana when he noticed her. She moved around the table and leaned slightly to whisper in his ear. “He’s not going to let you come with. At lunch I need you to get lost and find your way to the stables.”

“Will there be someone there waiting for me?” Anders asked quietly frowning slightly.

“Do you remember me telling you about Zevran Arainai?”

“We’ve met actually but I do remember.”

“Good. He’ll be waiting for you. Stay with Anders, Thunder. Hawke’s orders.” Surana straightened and spoke in a louder voice. “We’ll need at least twenty by the day’s end.”

“Yes Commander,” Anders said continuing to work the elfroot.

She scratched the Mabari behind his ear and moments later she was gone. He held in a sigh and wondered just where the stables were. It wouldn’t be much of a problem to get lost. He had only been shown his quarters, the cafeteria and the infirmary. Asking directions would be out of the question. Anders glanced down at Thunder again and he was panting while he looked back up at him. His stubby tail swished across the floor a few times. If he could find his way outside perhaps Thunder could solve the problem. It couldn’t be that hard to smell horses.

Although he was eager to be away from Weisshaupt, Anders continued at his task. He didn’t fidget and tried not to show how nervous he actually felt. When it was finally time for his lunch break he cleaned up his area. The head mage nodded when Anders told him where he was going and he left, Thunder walking calmly by his side. As he had predicted, it wasn’t hard for him to get lost. Nearly half an hour later Anders finally managed to find his way out through a side door.

Without looking at him, Anders rested his hand on top of Thunder’s head. “Can you find the stables?” he asked quietly.

Thunder woofed softly and sniffed at the air. He started forward and Anders followed, staying next to the Mabari so it hopefully wouldn’t look like he was following. Anders kept track of the people around him but none seemed to care. Many of them were in Warden Armor but they hurried about their own tasks without a second glance. Thunder led him across a courtyard and down a path that was well traveled to a large building.

Off to the side there was a fenced off area where several horses were wandering around. Thunder led him to a large set of double doors that had been opened wide. Inside the gloom of the building there were many occupied stalls. He walked down the middle looking for a familiar horse or some sign of the assassin that was supposed to be here. Unable to find either, Anders stopped in front of one of the stalls. Thunder sat at his feet and he reached over the gate rubbing the horse’s nose while he wondered what he should do.

Moments later Thunder began growling. Anders turned to see who he was growling at before resting his hand on top of his head. The rumbling growl stopped but the Mabari was watching the elf that had come up behind him. Even though he wasn’t dressed in armor, Anders recognized him immediately.

He was dressed like any other stable hand, simple cotton tunic and trousers, but Anders knew there was likely more than one weapon hidden among the folds of his shirt or inside one of his boots. Zevran’s hair was an auburn color but there was no mistaking him. He nodded politely and gestured at the other end of the stables.

“If you would follow me please,” he said quietly his accent only confirming who he was.

Zevran turned and he followed closely behind with Thunder staying close as well. They went out the opposite way Anders had come in to a small hut close by. Anders was ushered inside, the door shut and barred as soon as he was through it.

“You are the Champion of Kirkwall’s mage, yes?” Zevran said crossing the room in a few quick strides. “I remember meeting you when I was there not long ago.”

“Where are they?” Anders asked watching him closely.

“Gone,” he said pulling a chair out from the table. “Our Wardens left soon after Neria spoke with you. I need you to remove your shirt and the headband.”

“Why? Are you going to take me to them?” said Anders not moving from his spot by the door.

Zevran smiled pleasantly. “It is my guess you have already been missed. The First Warden is very interested in why you still possess magic and a search is being organized while we stand here wasting time, time that we can’t afford to waste if I’m to get you out of this fortress.”

Anders took a hesitant step forward, still unsure but having no other choice than to trust him. He doubted he could find his way out on his own and would likely be sent back when someone finally realized who he was. Even if by some miracle he did manage to get out of the fortress, he had no idea where Garrett and Fenris were if they were actually gone.

“Why do you want my shirt off?” Anders asked unable to keep the fear and suspicion out of his voice.

“My Warden did not tell me exactly what you have been through,” Zevran said picking up a bottle from off of the table. “She did say that you might be…hesitant. I give you my word, I will not harm you.”

He began working the buckles on his armor slowly and asked again, “Why?”

“They will be looking for a blonde mage Warden wearing a red headband, yes? They will not be looking for a Tranquil mage,” Zevran said patiently. He touched the very end of his hair as he said, “The contents of this bottle will change your hair color and I have been provided with a set of robes. Even here they will not look twice at an elven servant and if you are convincing, people will avoid you as well.”

“You’re going to take us out the front door?” Anders said pausing as he stared in disbelief. “Are there even any Tranquil here?”

“Yes my cautious friend, there are Tranquil here,” said Zevran finally starting to sound impatient. “Neria and I brought them in. We were not very far away from Kirkwall when the sky turned such a fascinating color. I can answer your endless questions later but now we must be swift.”

Anders was nervous as he hurried to remove his shirt then pulled the red cloth off of his head. Zevran gestured at the chair he had pulled out from the table with only a glance at the sun burned onto his forehead. It took less than fifteen minutes for the assassin to dye his hair and for him to don the provided robes. His armor was carefully packed away and hidden on a horse that had already been loaded with supplies, his pack among them. The staff he carried mostly out of habit now was also tied onto the horse.

The headband had been tied around Thunder’s collar, partly to make him look slightly different as well but also because Anders didn’t want to lose it. He was uncomfortable as he walked beside the horse but kept his expression neutral and his gait steady. Zevran led them through the streets and as he had predicted, most didn’t give them a second glance. Some even hurried past or moved away slightly when they saw the sun. They were stopped by a group of guards at the main gate, however.

“We’re looking for a mage Warden,” said one of them. “Blonde hair, human, about his height, wears a red headband, might have a dog with him, have you seen him?”

“I’m sorry,” Zevran said bowing slightly. “I have not.”

“What about you?” the guard said turning to Anders.

“No Ser,” Anders said careful to keep his voice even.

“If I may ask,” said Zevran passively. “Is this Warden in danger?”

“You may not, elf,” he said gruffly. “Be on your way.”

After another small bow Zevran walked past the guard and out of the open gate. Anders followed and resisted the urge to look over his shoulder.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel the need to repeat the non/con warning. It's only a dream but still...

Back into the wastelands of the Anderfels they went. Coats were taken off the loaded pack horse shortly after the fortress had been left behind. Zevran soon turned east with a quiet explanation of the basic plan. Garrett, Fenris and Surana were already on their way to Vol Dorma. They had quite a lead and were traveling on horseback as well. Zevran and Anders would have to travel as fast as they could to catch up with them, hopefully at their first campsite. If they missed each other or some other unforeseen event prevented their meeting in the wilderness they would meet in Vol Dorma.

The rest of their route was south along the Imperial Highway until they turned east again following the Vimmark Mountains. Anders worried about taking Fenris through Tevinter but surely even the magisters wouldn’t mess with the Wardens. He was apprehensive about going through himself as well. A tranquil mage who wasn’t tranquil would definitely be sought after, Warden or not.

The Tranquil Surana and Zevran had brought to Weisshaupt had made it out of the Gallows that night with a few mages who had fled as well. The mages hadn’t wanted to go to the Anderfels and were advised to go to Ferelden by Surana. The Tranquil had been willing enough to go with them however. The route they had taken to Weisshaupt was the much shorter route through Nevarra and Tevinter.

Zevran had officially left before Garrett, Fenris and Surana but had come back in this disguise specifically to sneak him out. The assassin was well known among the Wardens as Surana’s man, hence the need for the disguise in the first place. His armor was also packed away on the horse he led.

Throughout the day and into the night Zevran chatted amiably when Anders’ questions had finally stopped. Anders was only half listening to him though. He was a little more worried about what would happen if they didn’t catch up with the others. It wasn’t his current company that worried him. Zevran had obviously been told something of his circumstances. The normally flirtatious rogue hadn’t even said anything slightly off-color and hadn’t touched him beyond what was expressly necessary.

It was the thought of trying to sleep that bothered him. He hadn’t been alone since Garrett and Fenris had taken him away from Kirkwall. The nightmares had gotten better but he still woke often enough with tears stinging his eyes and trembling in Garrett’s embrace. He didn’t really want to find out if they would get worse again but it was looking more like he would find out anyway.

The night was half gone and they still hadn’t caught up to the others yet. They had been walking since the gates of the fortress were behind them. Meals were even eaten as they walked. Anders knew that he was slowing them down. The muscles of his leg would take more than a couple of weeks to return to their previous state. Stopping for the night was becoming inevitable.

“I don’t suppose you can feel them?” Zevran asked tiredly.

“No,” replied Anders softly.

“Do not worry,” he said confidently. “Neria said that they would be traveling slowly if we could not catch them right away.”

The land around them was slowly showing more signs of life the further east they went. There was still very little grass but trees and bushes were struggling to grow around them now. The road they followed was little more than a trail but there were decent places to camp alongside of it. Zevran picked one that was mostly sheltered from the incessant wind by large rocks.

With the horse tethered nearby, Zevran pulled blankets and his staff off of it. Anders had sunk wearily to the ground as soon as their camp had been picked. Thunder lay next to him, touching Anders’ outstretched leg in spots. A blanket was handed down to him as well as his staff. Zevran settled near them, his legs crossed with the blanket tucked loosely around him.

“Should we set a watch?” Anders asked nervously as he wrapped the blanket around himself. Part of the blanket went over Thunder and he rested a hand on the Mabari’s hindquarters.

“No need,” Zevran said softly. “Your friend will warn us if anything comes. Morning will come quickly, rest while you can.”

Thunder huffed before resting his head on his paws. With his staff close at hand he huddled under the blanket. He missed both Garrett and Fenris horribly.

***

There are Templars all around him, one tearing his coat away and another slipping a knife under the waistband of his trousers. He struggles but there are simply too many. They hold his arms and the ripping sound he hears is quickly followed by gauntleted hands roughly shoving his pants down. Struggling harder there is sudden pain as one of them slaps him hard across the cheek.

With his head ringing and blood flowing from his split lip, hands force him to his knees. A hand shoves him roughly forward and Anders barely manages to catch himself before breaking his nose on the stone floor. There are steel hands at one of his hips, gripping tightly, and he starts to shake his head, trying to get away from the Templar behind him. Suddenly his head is jerked upright, the one in front gripping his hair tightly.

Anders presses his lips together but can’t stop the gasp that escapes when the one behind enters him roughly. Cold steel at both of his hips now, holding him still while the burning ache is made worse. He wants to scream it hurts so badly but the hoots and catcalls all around him will not allow it. Anders tries to call on Justice but the spirit seems as weak as he is. There is now a cock in front of him. Holding him still by his hair the Templar pinches his nose shut.

“No,” he thinks. “This can’t be happening!”

His lungs burn and he must open his mouth. A shallow breath is all he’s allowed before the cock is shoved into his mouth. He gags the further down his throat it goes. The fingers are gone from his nose but his head is shook lightly.

“Don’t you dare,” the Templar in front of him snarls. “You’ll take my cock like a good little whore.”

“Stop…please…,” he thinks trying to relax his throat so he can at least breathe when he is allowed to. “This has to be a dream…it is a dream… _I will not live through this again!_ ”

His eyes fly open and a quite gasp escapes as he takes in his surroundings. There is a quiet whine from beside him. The nightmare doesn’t leave him as most dreams do upon waking, the events still vivid as he turns to Thunder in the pre-dawn darkness. The Mabari whines again and Anders can feel his paw digging into his thigh.

Because Garrett isn’t here to cling to, Anders wraps his shaking arms around Thunder’s neck. The Mabari stands still, one paw still on his thigh as he clings tightly. Slowly he calms himself. The crisp air all around him and the patient animal next to him doing much to ease all of the unwanted feelings the nightmare always dredges up, the pain, the fear, the humiliation ebbing slowly away.

“Thank you,” Anders whispers when he is finally able to let go. There is another soft whine from Thunder and a look in his dark eyes that might be worry. “I’ll be all right.”

“You must be very important to his master,” Zevran said suddenly.

Anders turned quickly but Zevran was still in the same spot he was last night. “I’m sorry if I woke you,” he said softly.

The assassin shrugged as he pushed the blanket off and stood. “I was wondering if I should wake you but it seems that it wasn’t necessary. Since we are awake we should be moving.”

Zevran didn’t mention anything he might have heard before Anders woke. He knew that sometimes he spoke in his sleep before Garrett normally woke him. The blankets were folded neatly and put back on the horse. Thunder stayed close to him as they began their march eastward into the rising sun. Anders was glad for his presence and his patience.

Like he had feared, the dream had come but he was also hopeful. Before this morning Garrett had always woken him out of it. Anders had always been trapped in that moment but this morning he realized the dream for what it was. It wasn’t much, but surely it was a step in the right direction.


	23. Chapter 23

They walked as the sun rose and went along its westward path in the sky. The sun set behind them and still they walked, eventually stopping to sleep. That night Anders’ rest was short but unbroken by dreams. It was mid-morning the next day before Anders could feel them. Throughout most of the rest of the day they walked until a campfire could be seen in the distance. Zevran, Anders and Thunder pressed on through the night and caught up with them well before sunrise.

Fenris was standing watch as they approached, still wearing the Warden armor. Thunder flopped down next to Garrett and was asleep almost immediately. Anders was greeted with a relieved smile and a brief hug then sank down next to Garrett as well. He scooted as close as he could and fell into an exhausted slumber.

He woke to gentle prodding from Garrett. After a quick breakfast and a few relieved words, Anders climbed onto Malcolm behind Garrett and they were on their way once more. A good portion of that day was spent with his arms locked around the rogue and his head resting on his shoulder. Three days of very little sleep had him dozing as they rode on. At one point he wondered how Garrett and Fenris had managed to keep going for so long after they had left Kirkwall. He also wondered how he had managed it several times.

Surana kept them going through lunch and it was nightfall before they stopped. There wasn’t much conversation, even when Anders could keep his eyes open, while they were riding. Now there still wasn’t much conversation but the tension was thick. It seemed to be mostly between Surana and Fenris this time. A fire was built and supper was begun. Fenris glared at Surana near constantly. Anders sat between Garrett and Fenris, wondering what the problem was.

“We’ll be to Vol Dorma soon,” Garrett said cautiously as he stirred the stew. “Are you still going to insist everyone goes into the city?”

“We shouldn’t separate,” Surana answered. Her gaze locked on Fenris for a moment before returning to Garrett.

“I am _not_ going into an Imperial city,” Fenris growled. “There is no need for it now.”

“You are a Warden,” she said sternly.

“I did not spend so much time fighting to free myself from magisters to willingly walk back to them,” said Fenris. “Danarius may be dead but to them I am still property.”

“This is why we avoided Tevinter,” Garrett said patiently. “I don’t think Anders should be going into the city either.”

“They’re right Commander,” Anders said quietly. Her eyes snapped to him and she frowned deeply. “We’ll stand out too much. Fenris and I can wait along the Imperial Highway.”

Zevran whispered something in her ear and she sighed in exasperation. “Fine,” she snarled. “We’ll leave Fenris and Anders here while we go to the outpost in Vol Dorma. They’re only expecting three of us anyway.” Surana stood and stalked away.

“I don’t understand why she’s so insistent that we stay together,” said Garrett as they watched her disappear behind a rock outcrop. “It’s far safer this way. We won’t raise suspicions at the outpost and we also won’t have to worry about these two being taken.”

“Neria isn’t the naive little girl that was recruited from the tower so many years ago,” Zevran said softly. “There are still a few things that she is ignorant of however. She has never been an apostate. The Warden that took her from the tower gave her purpose, protected her. She believed that Anders would be safe as well, that you were beyond the Templars reach.”

“After all that’s happened how can she still think that?” Garrett asked.

“Because for most it is true,” Zevran said as he stood. “She has never been hunted.”

They watched Zevran follow her. Anders wasn’t sure whether to be envious or irritated. She would have gone far in the tower if it hadn’t been for Jowan. Surana had told him how she’d become a Grey Warden while they were still at Vigil’s Keep. He envied her faith in an organization that had failed him twice now. The Wardens had protected her and it was irritating that they hadn’t protected him. Anders sighed as he stared at the fire.

“Everything all right, love?” Garrett asked quietly.

“Yes,” he said smiling sadly. “Just wishing something would work out right for once.”

Garrett patted his knee as he said, “Me too.”

They returned sometime later, after Anders decided that he should probably feel happy for her. The more he thought about it the more he realized his problems started long before Amaranthine. He had always been considered a troublemaker. It was honestly a miracle the Rite of Tranquility hadn’t been used on him long before now. Irving and his healing abilities had saved him from it but the punishments that had been used instead simply fueled his hatred and anger.

The circle was all Surana had known but he remembered. Sunsets and sunrises, running home before the rain soaked him through, nights spent in front of the family hearth, a mother’s love. She didn’t know these things and didn’t miss them, he had. This is what he wanted for all mages. Anders fell asleep that night wondering where he’d gone so wrong.

*

The next morning Fenris and Anders watched Hawke, Surana and Zevran continue on to Vol Dorma. Fenris was relieved the irritating little elf had seen reason. He didn’t like being in Tevinter at all but going into the city would be inviting trouble. If he were recognized a new set of armor wouldn’t do much to save him. If Anders was discovered to have been branded but not Tranquil, blue and silver armor wouldn’t save him either.

Anders turned back to the fire and sat but Fenris stayed where he was, on the outer edge of their camp. The red band that he had tied back around his head blended in with the color his hair had become. Fenris thought he looked strange with reddish brown hair and looked forward to when he could wash it out. He’d had many reservations about leaving him with Surana’s assassin but the mage had seemed no worse.

Fenris walked around the perimeter of their camp. The horses were all on their way to Vol Dorma with Hawke and the others. They had decided this morning that getting there and back with the wagon of supplies quickly would be better than leaving one of them here. If things worked out as planned he and Anders shouldn’t need one but Fenris found he was edgy. Perhaps it was just being in Tevinter. He circled the camp once more searching for something amiss but found nothing. Finally Fenris sat next to Anders, still uneasy.

“Fenris,” said Anders quietly. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m not sure,” Fenris said scanning their surroundings again. “I feel…”

There was a flash of white in a distant copse of trees. Fenris shoved Anders over with a growl and he squeaked in surprise. An arrow lodged in his forearm followed by another soon after that bounced off of the rock behind them. Fenris pulled the stunned mage to his feet as he scrambled up as well. Anders recovered from his shock quickly, grabbing the nearest pack and his staff.

“That way,” growled Fenris pushing him south. He used his phasing abilities to remove the arrow quickly, breaking it before dropping it by the fire and running after Anders. They had forgotten about Sebastian.


	24. Chapter 24

Garrett, Surana and Zevran had ended up spending the night in Vol Dorma. There was a problem with obtaining some of the supplies and by the time it was resolved the sun was setting. Zevran drove the wagon while Garrett and Surana rode beside it. Malcolm’s reins were tied to the back of the wagon as well as the pack horse Zevran had brought, now outfitted for riding. It was mid-morning by the time they arrived back at the deserted camp.

Anders and Fenris were missing. Only one of their packs was gone and a brief search of the remaining ones revealed that they had grabbed Anders pack as well as their weapons when they fled. Garrett knelt by the cold fire while Thunder and Zevran searched the area. He held the pieces of a broken arrow, a small amount of dried blood on the head. There was no way to tell who had fired the arrow or whose blood dotted the tip. Garrett knew the answer to the first without needing proof and the answer to the second was only a little worrisome. There wasn’t enough blood for either of them to have been seriously hurt.

“Sebastian,” Garrett growled as he stood.

“It looks as if they fled south,” Zevran said coming up to him and Surana. “I can’t be sure but it seems that they were pursued by one person.”

“Were you followed out of Weisshaupt Zev?” Surana asked.

“We were not,” the assassin replied confidently. “This person either followed you or came upon them by chance.”

Garrett dropped the pieces and turned south. Thunder was sniffing at the ground some distance away and he watched the Mabari wander back and forth. “It doesn’t matter,” he said bitterly. “Sebastian likely got information from Cullen or some other Templar that Anders is alive and not Tranquil. Cullen’s not stupid, he likely knew where we were headed and passed that information on to him. This is the quicker way to Weisshaupt.”

“You don’t know it was this Sebastian that attacked,” Surana said calmly. “How could he be sure that he was attacking Anders anyway? From what you’ve said of him he wouldn’t have attacked a random stranger.”

“He wouldn’t need to recognize Anders,” Garrett said striding to Carver. “There’s no mistaking Fenris and with those damn robes Anders is obviously a mage.”

“Where are you going?” asked Surana as he mounted the horse.

“After them,” answered Garrett grimly as Thunder turned and barked at him.

“Hawke wait!” Surana ordered as he kicked Carver forward.

Thunder barked a few more times and then tore off to the south, Garrett at his heels. He wasn’t going to let Sebastian make good on his threats.

*

Fenris stood at the door of the deserted hovel they’d found. Sebastian had hounded them all day yesterday but he and Anders finally managed to slip him in the night. They continued traveling south through most of the night, stopping for a few hours rest in the hayloft of a barn only to be gone again at sunrise. There had been no sign of Starkhaven’s furious Prince throughout the day but he knew that Vael wouldn’t give up so easily. With dusk once more imminent, Fenris had spotted the rundown building and hoped that there could be more than a few hours of rest this time.

There was nothing to bar to door with, the inside of the hovel was empty except for cobwebs in the corners. Wind whistled through the broken glass of the one window that Anders had sat under. Fenris turned from the door and sank down next to the mage.

“Will you let me look at your shoulder now?” he asked softly.

Nodding as he turned slightly, Fenris worked the buckles of his Warden armor. He had taken another arrow the previous day, ironically when Anders insisted on at least bandaging his arm. It had been hours since they had last seen Sebastian and he had thought it safe for at least that. Fenris had kept them moving since then. Stopping for a few hours in the barn had been risky but necessary. He hadn’t allowed the mage to heal him then because facing an archer with no armor was foolhardy.

Anders carefully peeled away the fabric from his shoulder. He didn’t seem any better or worse since they had parted in Weisshaupt. Being chased by Sebastian had him slightly worried that the mage would backslide but so far that hadn’t happened. Anders hadn’t complained about how hard Fenris had been driving them and had only seemed slightly worried about his injuries.

“How soon do you think Garrett will find us?” Anders asked as he cleaned the wound.

“I don’t know,” Fenris said wearily. “He’ll have a horse at least.”

“I’m going to heal it now,” said Anders. “I’d like to look at your arm too.”

He nodded again and remained quiet while Anders worked. The ache that had settled into his shoulder faded as the familiar feel of his magic flowed through it. Anders pulled his shirt back up when the magic stopped and Fenris turned as he rolled his shoulders. His glove was pulled off and the bandage underneath it removed. He watched the mage as he concentrated on cleaning and healing.

They would keep to the woods, shadowing the Imperial Highway. Villages would be avoided until Fenris was certain they were out of Tevinter. Avoiding settlements was a good idea regardless. If no one saw them they couldn’t tell Sebastian where they were. Hawke could find them when he was close enough through the taint they all shared now.

It was lucky that Anders had grabbed a pack with some supplies in it. They would have to last. Finding edible things along the way would help until they could be reunited with Hawke. All they could do for now was to try and stay ahead of Sebastian but Fenris didn’t think that would be an easy task. He sighed as he buckled his armor back on. Perhaps they should only rest for a few hours anyway.

Fenris leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes, one hand on his sword and the other holding Anders’ hand. He closed his eyes and tried to ignore his empty stomach.

*

Anders stood at the bottom of the steps that led up to a heap of rubble. It was all that was left of Kirkwall’s Chantry. A person stood at the top, dark brown hair, gleaming white armor, his grandfather’s bow held in one hand. The sky was overcast, dark gray clouds with lightning flickering through. The claps of thunder were the only thing he could hear.

He tried to turn away from the Chantry and Sebastian but found himself unable to. There was a light touch to his arm, just above his elbow, and while his feet wouldn’t move Anders easily turned his head. Grand Cleric Elthina stood next to him, her sad gaze trained on the archer at the top of the stairs.

Light flashed overhead followed by the loud boom moments later. Anders jumped at the sudden noise but neither Elthina nor Sebastian moved. More lightning flashed followed by deafening crashes of thunder and the leaden clouds began dropping rain in a sudden torrent. Sebastian finally began turning, raising his bow as he drew an arrow from the quiver at his back. Anders watched in horrified fascination as fissures appeared, bright blue light shining through skin and armor.

Anders began feeling panicked when he was fully turned, arrow knocked and drawing back on the string. He still couldn’t move, water saturated his hair, running in streams down his cheeks, his robes soaked through, watching as the arrow was trained on him. Sebastian’s eyes became swirling pools of blue Fade light.

Another bolt of lightning flashed, arcing jaggedly out of the sky to strike the ruins of the Chantry. Sebastian released the bow string, arrow flying at him. Thunder boomed impossibly loud all around but he heard Elthina’s words clearly, save him.

Pain in his chest as the arrow flew straight and true despite the downpour around them. Anders wanted to scream but gasped instead…and woke. Lightning flashed as he looked around him in confusion. His ears were ringing and he found himself still in the hovel they had fallen asleep in. His hair was still soaked as well as the shoulders of his robes. Rain pelted him from the broken window that he still sat under.

“Anders,” Fenris called from beside him.

“What’s happening?” Anders asked feeling for the arrow that had pierced his chest moments ago.

“You were dreaming,” he said calmly. “Let’s move away from the window.”

Anders followed him away from the window to the other side of the hovel. Rain drummed steadily on the roof as they saw another flash of light. The thunder wasn’t as close as the last one had been.

“How long have you been awake?” Anders asked when they had settled back down against the far wall.

“Moments,” said Fenris. “That last peal of thunder. Are you all right?”

“Yes,” said Anders. The dream was already fading. “How long will this last?”

“Minutes, hours…days,” Fenris said with a shrug. “We will be safe enough in here. If Sebastian is wise he will seek shelter as well. We’ll have to wait for morning at least.”

He settled back against the wall, leaning slightly on Fenris’ uninjured shoulder to wait for morning.


	25. Chapter 25

Garrett had kept going through the downpour for as long as he could. It was the continuous lightning that really forced him to seek shelter. The village he’d come across had a medium sized inn but he didn’t bother checking in. He snuck into the attached stables and took care of Carver. Garrett had placed him in one of the larger pens and forked hay from the loft. After that was done he and Thunder settled in the pen with Carver.

Thunder’s nose had taken them steadily south for two days. Garrett had stopped for only a few hours the previous night when he couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer. There had been no sign of Sebastian for those two days. This rain would no doubt slow him down as well and Garrett hoped that Anders and Fenris were safe.

Even though the downpour would most likely destroy the scent trail Thunder had been following, Garrett wasn’t worried. They were further south still. It was entirely possible what he was sensing was darkspawn but he didn’t think so. The blight had happened in Ferelden and the only other place darkspawn were a common sight was the Anderfels. One was still a great distance away and the other had been left behind days ago. It had to be Anders and Fenris he could sense to the south.

Garrett dozed in the hay with the smell of sodden Mabari in his nose. When the rain let up he would continue on. Nothing mattered except getting to them and stopping Sebastian.

*

Anders watched Fenris pace in the small confines of their run down shelter. The deadly strikes of lightning had moved on but the rain still fell in torrents. He guessed it was mid-morning from the watery light that filtered through the dark storm clouds. Fenris was anxious to be moving on and Anders knew they would be at some point despite the weather. Keeping ahead of Sebastian was important.

“We can wait no more,” Fenris said irritably.

“Are we still going south?” Anders asked as he got to his feet. His leg was stiff and achy and he hoped it wouldn’t slow them down too badly.

“Yes,” he said pausing in his pacing. “I think we might be closer to Nevarra. Sebastian chased us pretty far from the Imperial Highway.”

Picking up his pack, Anders leaned on his staff slightly waiting for Fenris to lead them away. With Sebastian still so close, where they actually were mattered little. The archer was set on showing him what true justice was. What he had suffered would not matter to Sebastian at all. That he regretted his actions would matter little. Anders had killed many innocents including the woman Sebastian revered more than his actual parents.

Dealing with his guilt on the matter was becoming easier. The time they’d spent in Weisshaupt had given him plenty of time to think. He had tried. There were many things he’d done. His manifesto, the Mage Underground, arguing with Meredith in her office but none of it had done any good. That didn’t justify murdering hundreds of people but how many more mages would have gone through what they had put him through? How many were made Tranquil under false pretenses like Karl? Something had to be done. While it might not have been the right thing, at least he had done something. What would come of his terrible actions in Kirkwall? There was simply no way to tell.

Whatever came next for mages, Anders wanted no part in it. He had sent the snowball rolling down the hill. It would grow without his help or it would be stopped. The issues mages face were now foremost in people’s minds. Others would take up the fight, of that he was positive, but there would be many like Cullen who would only ever see them as dangerous. Garrett had been right, it was impossible to please everyone.

What he wanted was atonement. Fenris had told him that he could choose. That he was what he’d always been. Anders would use the second chance Justice had given him to heal others. Perhaps spending the rest of his life healing people wouldn’t be enough to make up for that one moment of tremendous death but he would try.

Fenris led them out into the downpour and they were soaked in minutes. He followed behind, moving as fast as he could. As they trudged south slowly the drenching rain turned to a heavy shower and then to a drizzle. The sky was still overcast but the rain had stopped just before nightfall. The lights of a village could be seen ahead and there had been no sign of Sebastian.

“We should find somewhere to stop,” said Anders. “We need to dry our clothes and get warm before we get sick.” The elf didn’t seem to have been affected at all by most of a day spent walking through a cold downpour but Anders could feel himself beginning to shiver with cold.

“I was hoping to avoid people,” Fenris said wearily. “But you speak truly.” After a few more minutes of silence he looked over at him and said quietly, “Can you feel him?”

“Yes,” said Anders. He’d been sensing the taint behind them for most of the day. Stopping here would give Garrett a chance to catch up with them but it could also allow Sebastian to catch up as well. It was a risk that would have to be taken.

*

There was a village not far to the south where Garrett was positive Anders and Fenris had stopped at. They had to be as cold and wet as he was. As anxious as he was to get to them, he would have stumbled into Sebastian’s camp if it hadn’t been for Thunder. Both Carver and the Mabari were a short ways back waiting for his return.

Garrett was hidden among the bushes watching Starkhaven’s missing Prince. The remains of a fire sat close to where the archer was bundled up sleeping against a tree. Night had fallen long ago and from the fire, Garrett guessed Sebastian had been here for a while. He looked awful. His hair hung in damp clumps, once shining armor mud splattered as it hung on several bushes to dry, the tattered blanket wrapped tightly around a distinctly thinner frame.

It would be easy to solve the whole mess now. It would be the simplest thing to sneak up to him and plant his dagger in the man’s neck. But Garrett crouched in the bushes, watching, torn with indecision. He was watching Sebastian but thinking of Anders. Thinking of how frightened he was at the Orlesian border and how much courage it must have taken him to act Tranquil. He thought of Anders coming out from behind the rock to confront Cullen. Anders shying away from a _woman_ simply because she wore full plate, all the dreams he had woke the mage out of, the silent tears and every image that had gone through his head after Anders had told them how he’d been raped repeatedly.

I can’t let him go through that again, Garrett thought. He pulled his dagger halfway out of its sheath and stopped. Can I really do this, he thought. Kill a man in cold blood, while he sleeps no chance to defend himself. After a moment of thought he wasn’t surprised to find the answer was yes. To keep Anders safe he would have no second thoughts. The dagger was pushed back into the sheath.

Anders wouldn’t want this. It may still be Sebastian’s fate to die, but not like this. At the Orlesian border Anders had gone out of his way to try and save everyone there. Garrett had seen the dismay that gripped the frightened mage in the tense moments before Cullen had backed down. Even though it would be Garrett’s blade, Anders would put the death on his own shoulders.

He quietly backed away from the campsite. Garrett hurried back to Carver, giving Sebastian’s camp a wide berth before mounting the horse and hurrying south once more.

*

It was near dawn. After securing a room at the inn on the edge of the village, Fenris and Anders had spent the night on the second floor with a chair wedged under the door handle. All of their clothes were spread around the room, occupying every available space. It hadn’t taken much convincing to get Anders out of his smallclothes and under the blanket. Fenris had spent part of the night trying to warm up the freezing mage.

Fenris hadn’t been very warm either but with both of them huddled together under the blankets eventually Anders had stopped shivering. He had been careful to stay away from the mage’s hips and arse. Fenris didn’t think he could deal with a flashback at the moment but sharing what little body heat they had was necessary. Instead of spooning, which would have been easiest, Fenris held him close the way he saw Hawke do it, one arm supporting Anders’ head and the other over his side resting on his back. It was a little awkward at first because Fenris wasn’t as tall as either of them but Anders soon relaxed and fell asleep.

He had spent most of the night in a light doze. Every odd sound woke him but Anders seemed to sleep the whole night through. Fenris was very thankful for that. He had no idea how to calm him as easily as Hawke did. It was the sounds coming from the kitchen below them that had woke him this time. Going back to sleep would have been easy but Hawke was now very close to them.

Carefully Fenris extracted himself from Anders without waking him. He tucked the blankets back around the mage and quietly found his pants. Pulling them on, he moved the chair in front of the door and stood beside it with his sword leaning against the wall next to him. Dawn’s light shined weakly through the one window of the room before he heard a quiet knock on the door.

“Fenris?” Hawke’s voice called out quietly from the other side. “Anders? It’s me. Open the door.” Fenris opened the door a crack and peered through, stepping back to allow Hawke into the room. “Thank the Maker.”

He found himself in a crushing hug for a brief moment before the door was shut once more. “Have you seen him?” Fenris asked when the rogue moved swiftly across the room to where Anders still slept.

“Yes,” he said grimly. “Get dressed. He’s not that far away.” Moving around the room and gathering the scattered pieces of clothing, he watched Hawke wake Anders.

“Garrett,” said Anders sleepily as he sat up.

Anders was wrapped in an embrace before Hawke held his shoulders. “Hurry and get dressed love,” he said softly. “Sebastian’s not far away.”

“Do you have a plan?” Fenris asked as he pulled on his shirt.

“Yes,” he said confidently. “But we need to get out of this village first.”


	26. Chapter 26

“Garrett you’re freezing!” Anders exclaimed softly. His eyes were worried as he frowned and began working the buckles on his armor.

“Love,” Garrett said taking his hands. “There’s no time we need to hurry.”

“No,” said Anders stubbornly pulling his hands out of Garrett’s grasp. “You need to get out of these wet clothes.”

Anders continued working the straps and buckles deftly evading Garrett’s attempts to stop him. Garrett looked over at Fenris but the elf just smiled slightly and shrugged. The rogue sighed and allowed his shirt to be pulled off.

“Fenris,” he asked. “Do you have anything dry in that pack? We really need to go.”

The blanket that had been covering Anders was wrapped around his shoulders. Garrett took the edges in his hands and pulled it around him. Anders knelt on the floor and pulled off his boots. Fenris was searching through the pack and Garrett sighed in frustration as Anders set his boots aside and pulled him to his feet. He then began working on the laces of his trousers.

“You should have stopped somewhere,” Anders said reproachfully as he tugged the wet material down.

“I did stop for a little bit,” said Garrett as he stepped out of his trousers. Anders, now kneeling again, was rubbing his legs. He tugged Anders to his feet and wrapped his arms around the mage. The blanket still clutched in his hands now covered them both. “I was so worried.”

Anders’ fussing continued however, his arms around Garrett, hands rubbing his back from shoulders to waist, their chests pressed together and chin resting on his shoulder. Garrett hadn’t realized how cold he was. Anders felt like the sun-warmed sand of the Wounded Coast in summer wherever they touched.

“You’re so cold,” Anders said fearfully. “We should stay here. You need to warm up.”

“I’d love to,” Garrett said quietly. “Sebastian isn’t going to stop. If we can force a confrontation on our terms, away from the village so no one else gets hurt, one way or another he won’t bother us again.”

“Please don’t kill him,” Anders whispered. “There’s been enough killing…”

“We can’t promise that Anders,” Fenris said as he dropped the pack. He came over to them with a bundle of clothing. “They’re a little damp.”

“These are mine,” Garrett said as Anders pulled away from him enough to turn and see but making sure they were both still wrapped in the blanket. “How did my clothes end up in your pack?”

Anders shrugged, looking sad and resigned. Garrett was suddenly very glad he hadn’t killed Sebastian last night. He put his forehead against Anders’ gently and said sincerely, “I promise we’ll try. If we can get him to leave us alone without killing him we will.”

“I suppose that will have to work,” he said with a small smile that didn’t last long. “Do we really have to leave now? You really need to warm up.”

“We should,” said Garrett. “He’s only a couple of hours out of town.”

“You can’t wear these wet things…the damp ones either,” Anders said his voice full of concern. He looked around the room, stopping at his robes and said firmly, “You’ll wear my dry clothes. I’ll wear the damp ones.”

Garrett grinned suddenly and said, “Love you’re a genius.” This would solve the only problem he could foresee with his plan.

Fenris looked from him to Anders and back again. “You wish Sebastian to think you’re Anders?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Yes,” said Garrett excitedly. “The rain didn’t wash the color out of his hair and from a distance it will be more difficult to spot the difference. It will make me the target and Anders can trap him in a paralysis glyph!”

“We could cut his hair to a similar length and you would both need to shave,” Fenris said looking them over critically. “What of the mark? If this deception is to work then you must wear the headband as well.”

“I don’t suppose there’s any way to heal it?” Garrett asked frowning slightly.

Anders shook his head. “It’s basically a scar,” he said. “It will fade with time but…it will always be there.”

Silence fell as they thought. A lock of his reddish brown hair fell across his forehead and it gave Garrett an idea. He worked one of his hands free, letting go of the blanket in the process. Garrett shivered at the unexpected rush of cool air and Anders held him tighter, his hands still sliding up and down his back. Pulling more of the mage’s hair forward, it hung well below his eyes but mostly covered the sun brand.

“It will work from a distance,” Fenris said.

“Needs to be trimmed though,” Garrett said pushing the hair back out of his eyes.

“So we’ll be staying for a bit?” Anders asked sounding hopeful.

“Long enough for two shaves and a haircut,” said Garrett smiling.

“Good,” said Anders happily. “Fenris would you…”

“Yes,” Fenris said also smiling. “I’m out of practice but I will shave you both and cut your hair.”

While Fenris searched through Garrett’s various knives and daggers to find one he deemed sharp enough, Garrett found himself sitting on the bed. Anders settled behind him as close as he could get and the blanket was wrapped around them both. His hands now moved slowly up and down his chest from shoulders to naval. Their legs were pressed together and Anders even had his feet resting on top of Garrett’s.

They were both very still as Fenris worked. Garrett was very aware of the fact that he and Anders were both still naked underneath the blanket. After the mage had moved into the estate with him, he was surprised to find that Anders was one of the most unselfconscious people Garrett had ever met. He had been just as comfortable wearing nothing as he had been in all of his layers. He hadn’t felt this much of his skin all at once since before the Gallows. Even if it was purely clinical, warming Garrett with his own body heat, it made him hopeful.

It was the way Anders hadn’t hesitated. If this had happened before they had gotten to the Orlesian border, Garrett was positive that Anders might not have been able to do it. After they had passed into Orlais on their way to Weisshaupt he might have been able to, but it wouldn’t have been easy for him. They would have to switch places when Fenris was finished with him and perhaps that would be the true test.

“Is it my turn?” Anders asked softly when Fenris stepped back to inspect his work.

Garrett exchanged a look with Fenris and the elf glanced over his shoulder at Anders then shrugged slightly. He was still cold but perhaps it would be best if he just got dressed. “Yes,” he said untangling himself from the mage. He stood up and started to move away but didn’t get very far. Anders wouldn’t let go of his hand.

“Get back here,” he said in a tone Garrett hadn’t heard in far too long. It was his healer’s voice, still soft but firm and commanding. “You’re still too cold. Sit behind me and warm up some more.”

“Anders,” said Garrett resisting the urge to follow orders. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

He looked puzzled for a moment then smiled. “I’ll be all right,” he said. “I know you aren’t going to hurt me.”

When he was settled behind Anders, Garrett wrapped his arms around the mage. They were pressed as closely together as they had been, the blanket wrapped around them both, sitting very still while Fenris worked. Garrett soaked up the heat he freely offered and was very happy that there was no shaking or nervous fidgeting of any sort.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one might be a little hard to read.

Anders pulled the short locks of his hair forward, nervously smoothing them over the sun. Garrett hadn’t complained about wearing a skirt like most men might have. Technically it wasn’t the first skirt he’d ever worn, though it was much longer than the short armored skirts he’d favored three or four years ago. He’d always worn a pair of pants under those as well.

When they had left the Inn Anders hadn’t been satisfied with how cold Garrett still felt but thought it better not to push his luck. Both rogue and warrior had been getting antsy by the time Fenris had finished his hair. His robes were a set of the heavier ones and he hoped that would at least help keep Garrett warmer than he had been. At least he wasn’t a walking icicle anymore. The sky was still overcast though.

They had walked out into a dense patch of the surrounding forest for a couple of hours. He had been extremely uncomfortable with Garrett’s bow slung around him and his staff strapped to Garrett’s back. Fenris had made sure he and Garrett were seen leaving the village. Anders had waited until they were a good ways out then left with Carver and Thunder, also making sure he was seen. They met up a short distance into the forest and had left a very clear trail.

He watched the small clearing Garrett had chosen from the bushes of a rise not far away, staff lying in the grass at his feet. Garrett’s bow was similarly hidden next to where he sat against a tree along with a handful of arrows. Fenris sat next to him, looking around warily. Anders wished he knew what they were talking about. Carver had been tied not far from where Anders crouched and Thunder sat next to him, also watching Garrett.

Garrett’s original plan had him up here on the rise and Anders down in the clearing with Fenris. Back at the Inn, Anders had been more worried with getting him warm and hadn’t thought much beyond getting him in dry clothes. He’d had plenty of time to think on it while they were getting here however. His plan might work. This clearing was chosen because it would be difficult for Sebastian to get a good shot through the thick foliage. If this deception worked as Garrett and Fenris hoped it would, Sebastian would be expecting arrows instead of magic. It might work, but there was also a good chance that Sebastian would get lucky.

Anders knew Garrett and Sebastian had practiced together often. They frequently matched each other, shot for shot. He had also seen them both make seemingly impossible shots in the middle of battle. Given their tendency for bad luck, Anders didn’t like the odds of Garrett not getting hurt. The risks both of his lovers had taken since the Templars had captured him were bad enough. Garrett getting killed because he looked like him was simply unacceptable, so he had made some plans of his own.

“You’ll help me won’t you?” Anders asked Thunder running a hand through the thick fur along his flank. “I can’t let them die.”

Thunder woofed softly looking up at him for a moment, then his ears perked up and he turned his gaze to the forest. This rise gave Anders a good view of a fair bit of the surrounding forest. He saw a dull flash of white when he looked around carefully. Anders grabbed his staff and stood, encompassing Garrett and Fenris in a barrier that couldn’t be broken. They would be safe but they couldn’t help either, Anders would have to face him alone.

“Sebastian!” he yelled as he started down the hill. Thunder followed at his side. “I know you’re out there!” When he reached the bottom, he stayed in the forest surrounding the clearing and knelt next to Thunder. “Get him in the clearing for me.”

Thunder looked over at Garrett and back up at him, whining softly.

“They’re safe,” Anders said. “I promise. Help me keep them safe…please.”

Another brief glance at his master, who didn’t look at all happy, and Thunder licked his cheek. His stubby tail wagged and he trotted off into the forest.

Anders stood and circled around the edge of the small clearing, watching the direction he’d seen the dull flash from. “Elthina wouldn’t want this Sebastian!”

There was an inarticulate cry of rage from somewhere close by and Anders backed away a short distance. “Show yourself abomination!” Sebastian cried shrilly. “I will show you justice!”

“Killing me won’t bring her back! Elthina haunts my dreams Sebastian. If you kill me you’ll see her too.”

“You have no right to say her name! She was a good woman!”

“Didn’t she tell you that murder wasn’t justice? She was right Sebastian! I’m not proud of what I’ve done and I’ll regret it for the rest of my shortened life. Save yourself from this torment! Turn around and forget me.”

“Never!”

Anders watched the direction his voice was coming from. He heard Thunder snarling suddenly and Sebastian backed into the clearing from between two trees. His bow was stretched taut with an arrow knocked. There was muffled shouting from inside the barrier as Anders ran into the clearing. Holding his staff near the bladed end, he swung it around hitting Sebastian in the stomach as the bow string snapped back.

Thunder yelped in pain as Sebastian doubled over. Anders pulled his staff from the man’s weak grasp and brought it down on his back with every bit of strength he could muster. Sebastian fell to the ground gasping for breath and moaning softly from pain. Now incredibly angry, Anders kicked his bow away then kicked him in the stomach. The archer looked up at him. His eyes were frighteningly blank, as he curled up on his side. Anders shoved him onto his back with a rough kick to his shoulder and reversed his grip on his staff. He brought it down swiftly but stopped just short of piercing his neck.

“Here’s your justice,” Anders said furiously. He held the staff steady with one hand and pushed up the hair that half covered the sun branded onto his forehead. “I was caught Sebastian. I stopped to heal a child. _A child!_ They dragged me back to the Gallows and beat me until I couldn’t feel it anymore I hurt so badly. Then they hurt me some more. I thought I knew…but they taught me just how much I didn’t. Do you know what it’s like…to be choking on some man’s spunk only to have another cock shoved down your throat? Or how grateful you are for the spend dripping out of your ass because the next one doesn’t burn quite as badly!?!”

Anders blinked away tears and steadied his grip on the staff with his other hand. Sebastian was very still as he gazed up. His eyes were no longer blank but Anders was too angry to figure out just what they showed.

“On and on…” he continued quieter but no less passionately. “ I have no idea how many of them used me. There are rules Sebastian… _and they broke every single fucking one of them before they finally branded me!_ Tell me _Choir Boy!_ Where’s my justice? Should I hunt down and kill every one of Kirkwall’s Templars? Just because I don’t even know what they looked like? That’s not justice…its vengeance!”

“Where does it end Sebastian?” Garrett asked quietly from beside him.

“Vengeance brought us all here,” Fenris said kneeling beside the fallen archer. “You are gripped by the same madness that possessed him.”

“Please,” Anders said blinking away more tears. “Don’t make me do this. I know you loved her and I’m sorry she’s gone. It wasn’t right…I know that now…but what they do to us isn’t right either! I just want the killing to stop, please…just leave us alone.”

“I can’t forgive you,” Sebastian said coldly.

“I’m not asking you to,” Anders said. “I’m asking you to walk away. Listen to the woman you cared for so much and don’t blacken your soul with my blood. Let me seek atonement.”

His vision grew watery again as Sebastian looked at each of them in turn. Just what he saw Anders didn’t know. He focused on his staff, preparing himself to take one more life if he had to.

“Very well,” Sebastian said after a long pause. “I will return to Starkhaven.”

Anders threw the staff away and stepped back, straight into Garrett’s arms. Fenris stood, offering Sebastian a hand up. When the archer was on his feet the elf didn’t let go of his arm. “Stay there,” Fenris said his voice hard with an edge of menace. “We will not darken your door but if I ever see you again…I will not hesitate to show you your heart.”

With his lips pressed into a hard line, Sebastian nodded once. Fenris dropped his arm and took a step back. Sebastian turned without a second glance. He picked up his bow and they watched him disappear into the forest, walking slowly with an arm across his stomach.

Anders closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to steady himself for the reprimand that was surely coming when he remembered Thunder. “Dear Maker!” he exclaimed trying to break Garrett’s hold on him. “What about Thunder?”

“He’s alive,” Garrett said quietly turning them as he did. The faithful Mabari was sitting at the edge of the clearing, an arrow protruding from his shoulder, but alive. “He could use a bit of healing though.”

“I can take care of that,” said Anders in a relieved whisper.


	28. Chapter 28

Thunder rumbled overhead as the three of them knelt around the Mabari. Fenris carefully removed the arrow and Anders healed the wound. He then wrapped his arms around Thunder’s neck and said, “Thank you. I’m sorry I wasn’t fast enough.”

He woofed softly, wagging his tail and wiggled enough in Anders’ grip to lick his cheek. Anders smiled as Garrett scratched him behind the ears.

“That means he forgives you,” said Garrett. His serious tone was at odds with his grin.

“I’m glad,” said Anders softly sitting back on his heels. He turned to look at Garrett. “I’m sorry…I couldn’t let him hurt you…If you died because of me…”

“I hadn’t planned on dying love,” he said still smiling. “I understand. If I could have saved Carver or Mother somehow I would have.” He put his arm around Anders’ shoulders. “Are you all right?”

“I’m fine,” Anders said taking his other hand. He turned slightly and held out his other hand to Fenris. A flash of lightening followed closely by a clap of thunder accompanied the elf’s strong grip.

“That was still foolish,” Fenris said not quite glaring at him. “You should have let us help.”

“You’ve both taken enough risks for me,” said Anders. “It’s time I started taking a few for myself.”

“That’s good to hear,” Garrett said smiling.

“Perhaps we should be going back to that village,” Fenris said looking up at the sky. “We may end up soaked again.”

“Excellent Idea,” Garrett said looking up as well.

It was a little difficult to tell what time of day it was with the clouds making everything gloomy. Anders thought that it was around lunchtime or past if his stomach was anything to go by. They had been in such a hurry this morning that they had all skipped breakfast. All things considered that was probably for the best.

While they made the journey back to the village, they spoke of what would come next. For today, they would stay at the Inn. After a meal they could catch up on sleep that they hadn’t been getting for the last few days. Depending on the weather, in the morning they would set out north to find Surana and Zevran.

Keeping his promises was important to Garrett, no matter how they had been extracted from him. Anders wasn’t looking forward to going back into the Deep Roads but he didn’t dread it. They had all been there before. The darkspawn were almost preferable to Templars now.

His two immediate worries had now been taken care of. When they were finished with whatever they would be doing down there they could disappear as planned. There was always the possibility that the Templars they ran across wouldn’t follow Cullen’s orders. It was a distinct possibility that they wouldn’t even know about them. If they knew who he was it was also possible that they wouldn’t care about the orders. Even before Kirkwall they had shown their willingness to break rules. If they were careful and avoided the cities with Circles, it shouldn’t be much of an issue.

He wasn’t worried about Sebastian. He had walked away of his own free will. The Wardens worried him more than the Prince did. Anders had absolutely no desire to be picked apart so they could figure out why the Rite of Tranquility didn’t work like it was supposed to. It severely limited their options but there were still places they could go. They would be on the run like he had predicted before the battle with Meredith.

The rain began again after they had been walking for about an hour. It wasn’t as heavy as it had been the day before but they were thoroughly soaked when they arrived back at the village. Carver was led to the stables where the boy there promised to take good care of him for a few extra coppers. It took a few extra silvers to get the Innkeeper to let Thunder stay with them instead of Carver.

After a hearty meal, eaten in their room, their clothes were once more stripped off and left to dry anywhere there was room to set them. Anders, Garrett and Fenris spent the rest of the day and most of the night cuddled in the bed together. They talked quietly for a while before sleep claimed them. Sometime during the night Anders woke alone. The blankets were pulled up to his chin and he yawned wondering what had woken him. The room was bathed in moonlight as he rose up a little to look around, now wondering where Garrett and Fenris were. The room was small and he found them almost immediately. He sunk back down to the pillow and watched.

Garrett was seated in one of the two chairs, Fenris on his lap and they were both just as naked now as when they had gone to sleep. From their quiet noises and subtle movements he knew what they were doing. He was glad that neither of them had noticed him. Anders watched with mixed feelings. There hadn’t been much time or privacy for this sort of activity lately. Most of him was happy that they had found a moment to be close and intimate. A small part of him wanted to join them. Anders remembered nights, the three of them writhing against one another and falling asleep afterwards still tangled together. He remembered mornings with Garrett, afternoons in his clinic with Fenris and a few hurried hand jobs in Lowtown’s alleys because none of them could wait until they were home.

This wasn’t the first time he’d woken to gasps and muffled groans. He didn’t mind, he’d encouraged them. Before they had gotten to Weisshaupt, Anders had rolled over and sometimes went back to sleep. He’d watched once before when the three of them had had the room they shared with Surana to themselves one night. This was the first time he’d felt any desire at all for sex since he’d been captured.

Anders knew they wouldn’t hurt him but fear kept him in the bed. The nightmares had diminished in frequency but even after all this time the pain was still very fresh. So he watched and listened to their hushed sounds, ignoring his own stiff member because he didn’t want them to know he was awake.

He knew when they had both finished. Garrett always squeaked. When he heard it now, Anders thought of all the times he had caused that adorable sound. Fenris had never been very loud but his face was very expressive. He couldn’t really see the elf’s face but knew by the way he slumped against Garrett. The room grew still and quiet. Anders closed his eyes and waited for them to come back to bed, pushing his erection against his stomach so that Fenris wouldn’t feel it.

“I miss him,” Fenris whispered wistfully after a long pause.

Anders dared to open his eyes again and saw that they hadn’t moved.

“Patience, love,” Garrett said softly. His arms tightened around Fenris for a moment. “He’ll let us know when he’s ready.”

Fenris nodded slightly and began to move off of Garrett. Anders closed his eyes, his hand still pushing his length against his abdomen and lay very still. Soon enough the mattress dipped on either side of him. Garrett pressed close to him, his hand resting on his side. Fenris got under the covers but stayed a little apart from them. They were soon asleep but Anders lay awake for a long time.

Morning came and they left, moving north slower than they had gone south. Anders spent most of the following days deep in thought. He hadn’t mentioned what he’d seen and heard that night but that’s where his mind was. It wasn’t surprising that they still wanted him that way. He’d discovered that when he had finally told them what had happened that night.

With everything that had been going on around him and inside of him, trying to rekindle his sex life had been the furthest thing from his mind. The guilt and grief were still there but easier to deal with. It was the emptiness that wasn’t there. At some point it had been filled. All he could find was love for the two patient men on either side of him. It might take a while to get past the crippling fear, but the desire was there. They would help him get past it.

Surana wasn’t far away when they stopped for the night three days later. He had come to a decision earlier. They would start tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can't tell ya how happy I am to have this one finished. Hope you aren't too disappointed with my ending. Smut just didn't feel right.


End file.
